ThE InDiaN ARraNgEd MarriAge DiasPorA !!

With the end of Shravan and the monsoon, the entire 25ish populace of this country seems to be hit by a common plague – getting engaged :).. The phenomenon seems more prevalent amongst my peer group atleast, which covers almost everyone from my kindergarten time friends, to my school and college time classmates and last but not the least – my Satyam colleagues. I wouldn’t categorize this self inflicted disease as a cupid endowed phenomenon for sure, coz for one: There is no existing love that I can fathom amongst the search hunt that takes place in mahila mandals to shaadi.com type portals to e-groups of ethnic communities; two: There is more emphasis on the Groom’s / Bride’s Resume which includes his or her career graph as well as their respective parental ethnic lineage and wealth accumulation; three: the entire fiasco seems more inclined towards love after marriage methodology.

So came last summer when we joined Satyam and that’s when it all started, I could hear guys and girls getting hitched up like an atomic chain reaction engulfing this age groups reactors within months, weeks and in some cases – even days. Within December, almost half of the MT’s that I knew in Satyam, especially girls were all set to be hitched or almost hitched. The guys, though might be seen more relaxed then their opposite counterparts, were also starting to look around trying to match up with their female colleagues. One MT guy who joined with me was already engaged to be married in a few weeks, so we could see different parcels of sweets, mobile phones, suit materials being sent to him on a weekly/fortnightly basis (which I heard was quite typical from the northern states where he comes from – though you shouldn’t call it a part of dowry, ironic eh!!). Another MT girl who was to be married in a few weeks seemed to be boasting about her fiancé’s family’s IAS and IPS origins.

So in all this hullabaloo, my pea sized brain again started to engage in fissure reactions trying desperately to figure out this Neolithic yet egalitarian concept of Indian Arranged marriages. The concept of a Deshashtha (countryside) Kshatriya or Brahmin not being allowed to marry a Konkanastha (coastal) counterpart; the different existing sub categories like GSP , Konkanastha , OBC , sonar (goldsmiths) , lohar (Blacksmiths) , chambhar (cobblers) , nhavi (barbers) and on and on :).. So living in the 21st century and boasting about globalization, I see well educated and modern parents even in Bombay bowing down to such idiosyncrasy’s and custom’s laid down more than centuries ago as per the Hindu customs. I could see a male friend of mine will always explain his bride to be based on the gifts he has received, the cumulative size of her father’s bank balance, the arrangements that her family has single handedly made for the wedding and reception, and last but not the least – the gold ornaments and GIFTs (not dowry – but gifts) that the bride will get along with her. Similarly, my female friends will always boast on the groom’s IIT/IIM backgrounds or the size of the family business (bich ka koi nahi chalega), boast about the groom’s self owned flats/ cars / US green card, boast about the different expensive restaurants he has taken her to in the very few meetings that both of them have had alone. But in all this, I never hear of the chemistry that both of them share, their likeness of ideas and similar wavelength amongst thoughts, the future planning aspect, the discussions of when to have children or rather to have them at all or not – all of it taken for granted, as if it is all predefined to go perfect in the first place.

I would like to quote one of the numerous conversations I have had with my many 25ish friends who are just about to get married. This girl was my very close friend’s cousin and is studying MBBS – 3rd year in Karnataka. I have known her for about 4 years now through a few meetings at my friend’s house as well as regular chat and orkut conversations. So here is how the conversation went:

Me: HEya,, WaSaap !! (I copy paste this and send to my all chat friends every weekend, that’s how boring my weekends have now become)
Girl: Hi Buddy, nothing much yaar – same old life; And Hows u?
Me: huh,, ok !! I am ok ok yaar..
Girl: I am getting engaged!!
Me: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?? (Almost dropping down from my chair) I thought you just said nothings new?
Girl: Yeaa, it just dropped my mind,, actually things happened so fast that I just couldn’t fathom the entire length and breadth of it (measuring it like some roadside furniture)
Me: Ohh ok,, Well – Congrats yaar.. I am happy for you (yawn,, I am so tired of repeating this line, iska bhi ek draft banana padega so I can copy paste it everytime any1 tells me that he or she is engaged) So what does he do?
Girl: Ohh, he is an IIT Powai passout and then an MS from Georgia Univ and then an MBA from NYT.
Me: Gee, I dint ask you what he did (swearing under my breathe aloud – after all it was a chat conversation). I asked you what does he do?
Girl: ohh well he works offcourse, at a very big post in a very big company.
Me : uhhhhhhh, what post and what company? (Getting irritated with the dogmatic conversation now)
Girl: I don’t know all that,,, but my cousins have met him already in the US and they have cross checked his background (mentioning it as if the sniffer dogs have finished their job and the immigrant is now ready to be stamped)
Me: (mouth wide open, so wide that 2 Garib Rath’s can parallel park inside it with more than an inch to spare) You mean to say you have never ever met him till date?
Girl: No No, not like that. We have met on Webcam. And my cousins have met him and they think he is a gem of a person.
Me: (Mouth wide open again, this time so big that an A380 can land on it without emergency breaks). Are you going to marry him or your cousins are going to marry him?
Girl: Offcourse me you duffer, why would they want to marry him? But they have done all necessary checks of our moon signs and checked our patrika and matched our stars.
Me: (still with a star gazed look of indignation on my face) Yaar but I remember very well that you hated the idea of online romance, I mean hitching with someone you have met over the internet?
Girl: Arey but I have not met him on the internet, he was chosen by my family. We chat daily on CAM and sometimes even voice chat… So here I am not going to marry him, just that he is in USA so I meet him online before we get engaged!
Me: (swearing aloud again – isn’t that the same thing??) So you mean to say you wouldn’t be meeting him before your engagement - in person?
Girl: Nahi re, how can I? But my cousins have met him naa.
Me: (Damn your cousins!! ) And what about mental chemistry?? (I wanted to add physical as well, but ahh,, what the hell)
Girl: Arey we have amazing chemistry, he calls me everyday and we chat almost twice a day!!
Me: And how long has he been doing that? (Almost guessing the answer before she could reveal the figure)
Girl: Since 5 days now :)
Me: (Tired of keeping my mouth wide open – afraid that I might start looking like The Joker from Batman .. ) Well What can I say,, wish you both a very very happy future together :)
Girl: Oh thank you, and wish you the same. I am sure you will find someone soon like I found my soulmate.. (Meaning every word of it)
Me: (Swearing again under my breathe, wanting to say: Please don’t curse me with such an indignant wish, I rather stay single my entire life. But all I could manage to say was:) Ohh thank you buddy, for these kind words!!

And there I signed out instantly so that I do not have to face that buddy of mine ever, atleast not within that day, thinking posthumously on the topic of marital bliss and the ancient curse of the arranged marriage trend – humming the epic Rape Me by Curt Cobain.