A night with Police Mama !!

Ya I know its been ages since I last posted, but then its also been ages since I last had enough free time up my sleeves for quoting my rhetorical brain fissures on blogger.com !!

So keeping aside the barrage of updates sparkling across my personal life, I would like to come straight to present tense. It’s been about half a year now, having left Satyam and working for Big Blue – having left my darling Mumbai, working in the Garden City of Bangalore – having left my pretty better half and living the single life of bachelorhood in this strange place…. the list is simply endless.

So came last weekend and I was back to hometown on one of my fortnightly trips. Though putting up with sweaty arm pits, putrid smells and bumpy roads in my lovely humid Mumbai, I was still enjoying with 3 nights of partying right from wed to Friday, right from Firangi Paani to Temptations, Mumbai Café to Bonobos – Mumbai never stops to surprise me. Came my last - 4th night in the city, and I decided to join my bestest pals at a house party in our usual weekend haunt – Rana’s house (though we call it Rana aka Mr Chaukanna’s house, it actually belongs to Swapneel aka Mr Paang – who has rented it to Mr Chaukanna over a matter of good will quite a few years back).. The single room kitchen house was jam packed with Mr Pang,Mr Chaukanna, Myself aka Mr fattu, Nitesh aka Mr Kallu Mama, Siddharth aka Mr Bakchoudi king… and a couple of other punters whose names I was simply too drunk to remember !!

“Whiskey in the jar” was as usual on the house. Mr Chaukanna had made some amazing Laal Murg (just for the uninitiated - apart from being daily drunkards, we enjoy priding ourselves with being masters of culinary art as well). Mr Paang was as usual at his rolling best, cleaning ghaas pus and making joints for one and all. The night was quite stereotypically imbibed with our usual rituals of having quick bottoms-up’s, DJ Chaukanna playing his favourite Punjabi numbers in between our Pink Floyd and RHCP karaoke sessions with Mr Paang on the guitar, fairly loud music and even louder drunkards making noise on a 4th floor flat with an open window – absolutely nothing seemed out of the ordinary!!

At about 2am, Mr Kallu alongwith one of the punters went out to get some cigarettes (did I mention Mumbai is a 24/7 city where you can get anything and everything in any corner at anytime – godammmmn Bangalore). Around 2.15am, we heard a knock on the door and Mr Paang sprinted up to get the door (as he is the smokiest of us all [plz don’t try to grammatically correct me on the word smokiest – it is just one of my many termed adjectives to one of my many term friends {don't even think of asking me what’s a Term Friend now}]). With a half burnt joint in one hand, he opened the door excitedly by the other. From way inside the dark room, I could see the color of his face lit up in the corridor light – turning quickly from an excited yellow (ya he looks like shit) to an angry red to a paling blue). He quickly dropped the joint behind the door as the door was pushed open by two Mama’s - (no no , not our Kallu Mama – but police mama) !!

Here is how the conversation went:
Mama1 – kay re,, kya chal rahela hai idhar? (whats going on here)

Paang (at his courteous best) – kuch nahi mama, bas dost log kaafi din ke maad milke khaa pee rahe hai

Mama 2 (touching every glass, bottle, ash tray, laptop screen, speakers with his laathi) – dekho dekho, mast bottle ke saath scene chal rahela hai – ekdam full on !!

Mr Bakchaud (sprinting up on his feet from his bed slumber) – kya kaka (i wonder how one man can be a mama and kaka of 2 of my closest friends at the same time - small world aint it?), hum toh sirf aise hi baith ke khaa pee rahe the.. kuch problem hua kya ?

Mama1 – (looking at the bottle - i could make it out that he indeed had a deep taste for whiskey) Complaint aaya hai ki idhar der raat ko awaaz ho raha hai,, ab complaint aaya hai toh action toh lena padega re baba.. (looking at mama 2) – chala re, daalo inko neeche gaadi mein, statement banana padega !!

At this time, Mr Chaukanna who is totally smashed up with a deadly mixture of weed and whiskey, awakens from his trance – slides his way next to me (where I am sitting in a shit crouching position – almost about to shit)… and says – Bhai, chal in dono ko udaa dalte hai !!

Me (looking at him with a mouth open as wide as a gargantuan whale mouth – remembering all my past drunk times with this man where he had broken pub tables, bar bottles, and subsequently his own neck – courtesy: bouncers) – Yaar Raane, this isn’t a good time for you to talk … you please keep your mouth shut !!

Mr Chaukanna – Nahi yaar, sirf do hai .. easily maarke fek denge khaadi mein !! (talking as if they were a bunch of mosquitoes squatting on our hands sipping our alcohol induced blood)

Me (trying to push chaukanna back into the bed while bakchaud and pang are trying to give some gyaan to the constables)

Bakchaud – kyaa saab (first mama, thn kaka - now saheb .. I am slightly confused with the taxonomy here), we dint know that there was a complaint, warning deke chod do, if building people would have told us , we would have not turned the speakers on – maa kasam saab !! (little did the cops know that the society has been complaining every weekend to Paangs mother for the last 3 yrs)

Chaukanna is whispering all the while “chalna dost uthna,, le na saaleko – itna gym kyu jaata hai,, le daal - mein hu na tere saath, SARKAR hai tere saath”

Mama 2 – Kuch warning baurning nahi chalega,, chalo thane aur fine bharo !!

Bakchaud (now loosing his non existent cool) – Aise kya kiya hai humne,, aapke pass warrant hai kya ki aap aise hi andar chale aaye. Kiss cheez ka fine, FIR dikhao hai toh !!

Mama 1 and 2 together (loosing their ever existent cool) – Aye pahile yala aat ghya (put him in [jail] first) … maaru kya maaru (waving his laathi in hand) ..

Seeing the laathi, Chaukanna was constantly trying to get up and move towards the thavlas (cops) ,, while I was trying my best to hold him down – verbally and physically…

Mr Paang now moves in with his smooth talker skills (ya he is a natural sales guy) – Kya sirji (mama, kaka , uncle, sirji - ek kaam , anek naam), chod do bacchon ko … (slowly pushes the cops outside the door) – and waves 2 hundred ka notes towards the cops…

Mama 1 - Paisa maanga kya tumko, paisa maanga – chalo utho re chalo gaadi mein !! Waise 1200 hai toh nikalo (arey abhi toh bola paisa nahi manga??) - warna chalo gaadi mein (Frankly, I still dint get the statistical logic of the 1200 total, was it 300 each, or was it 500 for the bakchaud , 500 for the owner and 100 each for us silent sitters – god alone knows)

Paang – Mamaji , aise nahi bola humne, but abhi gharme paisa nahi hai !!

Mama 2 – Toh ATM hai na,,, chalo bhanje (finally rishte ne najayaz se jayaz mode liya - paise sachmuch BOL-Ta hai ), ATM chalte hai !!

Bakchaud (his eyeballs and ear walls both popping out of his head at the same time) - sale kaminey thavle, terrorists ko chodke idhar baccho se vasuli kar rahe hai … (obviously not aloud)!!

Chaukanna is still trying to get up towards mama’s revolver holder.. and I am still trying to hold him down . Chaukanna whispers again – Kamine sale fattu, lena us thavle ko.. Maaya bhai hai tere saath,, Bhope bhau tere saath hai,, le daal mein bolta hu terko !! (Now am totally confused - is chaukanna Sarkaar or Maya or Bhope?)

Paang immediately calls kallu mama, who is waiting below the building as the watchman has tipped him off that cops have been in our flat since about 20 minutes now… Luckily kallu mama has 300 more and Mr Paang somehow manages to convince the cops to accept the 500 bucks and bugger off towards their next extortion destination.

Finally getting rid of the havaldars - with an air of comfort, pang comes in – pick ups his packet of ghaas and starts rolling again. Bakchaud gets up, opens the window and starts the blasting music again – offcourse without the speakers,,, Kallu mama comes in and starts asking impatiently as to how all this happened… an intense righteous debate is triggered by Mr Bakchaud on how we sustain the bribing eco-system by greasing cops palms the way we did today… Kallu tries to counter saying “sale tere north mein kya hota hai”,, Paang now licks the filter paper giving a final touch to his rocket and saying – “Mumbai mein aise hi chalta hai” .. me and one of the punters is backing Paang and Kallu saying Mumbai cops are much better than any other cops around the country, atleast they talk and not hit first,,, and keep quite for non serious offenses if you grease their palms … Bakchaud is still trying hard to argue over the now served laal murg + rice…

In in the midst of all this constant chatter – Rana Chuakanna suddenly gets up with a serious face and asks me – “Bhai, tu tere sasur ki gaadi laya hai na,, kaunsi hai?? SX4 na??” … I look at every surprised face in the room, from pang, to kallu, to bakchaud to the punters.. and I say “Yes Raane,, why do u ask” …

He gets up, starts wearing his pants and says - “Chal abhi ke abhi nikaal, full speed mein police station mein ramm karte hai…. Na rahega baja, aur na bajegi baasuri”

Unfortunately those are the last words that come out of his drunk mouth for the night, until the next morning when he said “uuuii maa” over his bruises and swollen cheeks, when his hands and feet were still tied up and we were still beating him up – all the way long - (apart from Paang who was still rolling) !!

ThE InDiaN ARraNgEd MarriAge DiasPorA !!

With the end of Shravan and the monsoon, the entire 25ish populace of this country seems to be hit by a common plague – getting engaged :).. The phenomenon seems more prevalent amongst my peer group atleast, which covers almost everyone from my kindergarten time friends, to my school and college time classmates and last but not the least – my Satyam colleagues. I wouldn’t categorize this self inflicted disease as a cupid endowed phenomenon for sure, coz for one: There is no existing love that I can fathom amongst the search hunt that takes place in mahila mandals to shaadi.com type portals to e-groups of ethnic communities; two: There is more emphasis on the Groom’s / Bride’s Resume which includes his or her career graph as well as their respective parental ethnic lineage and wealth accumulation; three: the entire fiasco seems more inclined towards love after marriage methodology.

So came last summer when we joined Satyam and that’s when it all started, I could hear guys and girls getting hitched up like an atomic chain reaction engulfing this age groups reactors within months, weeks and in some cases – even days. Within December, almost half of the MT’s that I knew in Satyam, especially girls were all set to be hitched or almost hitched. The guys, though might be seen more relaxed then their opposite counterparts, were also starting to look around trying to match up with their female colleagues. One MT guy who joined with me was already engaged to be married in a few weeks, so we could see different parcels of sweets, mobile phones, suit materials being sent to him on a weekly/fortnightly basis (which I heard was quite typical from the northern states where he comes from – though you shouldn’t call it a part of dowry, ironic eh!!). Another MT girl who was to be married in a few weeks seemed to be boasting about her fiancé’s family’s IAS and IPS origins.

So in all this hullabaloo, my pea sized brain again started to engage in fissure reactions trying desperately to figure out this Neolithic yet egalitarian concept of Indian Arranged marriages. The concept of a Deshashtha (countryside) Kshatriya or Brahmin not being allowed to marry a Konkanastha (coastal) counterpart; the different existing sub categories like GSP , Konkanastha , OBC , sonar (goldsmiths) , lohar (Blacksmiths) , chambhar (cobblers) , nhavi (barbers) and on and on :).. So living in the 21st century and boasting about globalization, I see well educated and modern parents even in Bombay bowing down to such idiosyncrasy’s and custom’s laid down more than centuries ago as per the Hindu customs. I could see a male friend of mine will always explain his bride to be based on the gifts he has received, the cumulative size of her father’s bank balance, the arrangements that her family has single handedly made for the wedding and reception, and last but not the least – the gold ornaments and GIFTs (not dowry – but gifts) that the bride will get along with her. Similarly, my female friends will always boast on the groom’s IIT/IIM backgrounds or the size of the family business (bich ka koi nahi chalega), boast about the groom’s self owned flats/ cars / US green card, boast about the different expensive restaurants he has taken her to in the very few meetings that both of them have had alone. But in all this, I never hear of the chemistry that both of them share, their likeness of ideas and similar wavelength amongst thoughts, the future planning aspect, the discussions of when to have children or rather to have them at all or not – all of it taken for granted, as if it is all predefined to go perfect in the first place.

I would like to quote one of the numerous conversations I have had with my many 25ish friends who are just about to get married. This girl was my very close friend’s cousin and is studying MBBS – 3rd year in Karnataka. I have known her for about 4 years now through a few meetings at my friend’s house as well as regular chat and orkut conversations. So here is how the conversation went:

Me: HEya,, WaSaap !! (I copy paste this and send to my all chat friends every weekend, that’s how boring my weekends have now become)
Girl: Hi Buddy, nothing much yaar – same old life; And Hows u?
Me: huh,, ok !! I am ok ok yaar..
Girl: I am getting engaged!!
Me: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?? (Almost dropping down from my chair) I thought you just said nothings new?
Girl: Yeaa, it just dropped my mind,, actually things happened so fast that I just couldn’t fathom the entire length and breadth of it (measuring it like some roadside furniture)
Me: Ohh ok,, Well – Congrats yaar.. I am happy for you (yawn,, I am so tired of repeating this line, iska bhi ek draft banana padega so I can copy paste it everytime any1 tells me that he or she is engaged) So what does he do?
Girl: Ohh, he is an IIT Powai passout and then an MS from Georgia Univ and then an MBA from NYT.
Me: Gee, I dint ask you what he did (swearing under my breathe aloud – after all it was a chat conversation). I asked you what does he do?
Girl: ohh well he works offcourse, at a very big post in a very big company.
Me : uhhhhhhh, what post and what company? (Getting irritated with the dogmatic conversation now)
Girl: I don’t know all that,,, but my cousins have met him already in the US and they have cross checked his background (mentioning it as if the sniffer dogs have finished their job and the immigrant is now ready to be stamped)
Me: (mouth wide open, so wide that 2 Garib Rath’s can parallel park inside it with more than an inch to spare) You mean to say you have never ever met him till date?
Girl: No No, not like that. We have met on Webcam. And my cousins have met him and they think he is a gem of a person.
Me: (Mouth wide open again, this time so big that an A380 can land on it without emergency breaks). Are you going to marry him or your cousins are going to marry him?
Girl: Offcourse me you duffer, why would they want to marry him? But they have done all necessary checks of our moon signs and checked our patrika and matched our stars.
Me: (still with a star gazed look of indignation on my face) Yaar but I remember very well that you hated the idea of online romance, I mean hitching with someone you have met over the internet?
Girl: Arey but I have not met him on the internet, he was chosen by my family. We chat daily on CAM and sometimes even voice chat… So here I am not going to marry him, just that he is in USA so I meet him online before we get engaged!
Me: (swearing aloud again – isn’t that the same thing??) So you mean to say you wouldn’t be meeting him before your engagement - in person?
Girl: Nahi re, how can I? But my cousins have met him naa.
Me: (Damn your cousins!! ) And what about mental chemistry?? (I wanted to add physical as well, but ahh,, what the hell)
Girl: Arey we have amazing chemistry, he calls me everyday and we chat almost twice a day!!
Me: And how long has he been doing that? (Almost guessing the answer before she could reveal the figure)
Girl: Since 5 days now :)
Me: (Tired of keeping my mouth wide open – afraid that I might start looking like The Joker from Batman .. ) Well What can I say,, wish you both a very very happy future together :)
Girl: Oh thank you, and wish you the same. I am sure you will find someone soon like I found my soulmate.. (Meaning every word of it)
Me: (Swearing again under my breathe, wanting to say: Please don’t curse me with such an indignant wish, I rather stay single my entire life. But all I could manage to say was:) Ohh thank you buddy, for these kind words!!

And there I signed out instantly so that I do not have to face that buddy of mine ever, atleast not within that day, thinking posthumously on the topic of marital bliss and the ancient curse of the arranged marriage trend – humming the epic Rape Me by Curt Cobain.