WhaT mAKes MoNa LiSa SMiLe?

(Excerpts and style of writing adapted from ROHANs blog on blogspot.com. Rohan you ROCK !!)

The other day I was just leaving my Tidel Park office and bumped in to a stylishly dressed foreigner lady. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: “Ahoy, watch your stride gurly; u could have just crushed me there?”

Lady: “Buzzer Off looser!!”

ME: (Staring in her face) “I think I have seen you somewhere?”

Lady: “Yeaa, Whatever” (disgruntled)

Me: “No I am serious. (With a startled look) Ohh wait a minute, aren’t you Alanis Morisette?”

Lady: “Alanis Who?” (Looking with contempt)

Me: “Alanis Morissette DUH….. The gr8 Singer, songwriter, actress, record producer??”

Lady: (Completely irritated now) “Look buddy, I don’t give a horse’s s#*$ if I look like some Neolithic singer, I am MONA LISA”

Me: (staring silently in disbelief – silence for the first time in 24 years of my worthless life, it had never stopped since the time that sexy nurse patted me on my back to start breathing).

Lady: “If you are done with your contemptuous blabbering, can I take your leave?”

Me: (Still staring in disbelief) “You mean The Mona Lisa of the Da Vinci Fame? What in GODs name are you doing here?”

Lady: “Are you always so thick?” (Incensed)

Me: “Naa I am thin and athletic?” (Coolly)

Lady: “No you dumbass, I mean are you always so questionable and irritating to every stranger you meet?”

Me: “Don’t know? But my gal keeps saying the same thing…… Am I?”

Lady: “No wonder!!”

Me: “What?”

Lady: “Ohhh,, Never mind !!”

Me: “So what are you doing here, aren’t you supposed to be like dead centuries back?”

Lady: “Ohh I keep descending to earth from the heavens every now and then!! Take a week off or so from my political career up there and chill out on earth!!”

Me: (Mouth wide open, so wide that Michael Phelp could do multiple summersaults and dive in it winning the best swimmer accolade all over again) “Political Career?? Up in the heavens?”

Lady: “Ohh well yea, I was designated a GODDESS few days back. Where do you think all these gods n goddesses come from? These are just souls of erstwhile human’s ascended upto the heavens and later show good PR around the place (winks). Are you getting my drift?”

Me: “Ohh you mean like the CR of the class? Yea Yea, we used to do the same in our B-School too!!”

Lady: “You pervert moron, is that the only level to which you can relate GODs supreme court. Forgive him lord for he has sinned (starts blabbering some hymns)

Me: “Ohh never mind all that, I have a Business Class reservation to HELL, have tried wiping my sins in the holy Ganges, never worked tho ;)” (Blushing like a 12 yr old guy in love for the first time). “So there are Goddesses along with GODs too (winking)? I thought the Catholic Church was quite a male dominated society?

Lady: “Yes you mortal fool, times have changed. If the likes of Indra Nooyi (PepsiCo) and Kiran Muzumdar (Biocon) can lead corporate strides, than why can’t we have goddesses in heavens? It’s called the equality of the gender you Chauvinist creep!!”

Me: “Ahh well ok. So if there really is a GOD and a GODs court as you name it, then why all the miseries on Earth?”

Lady: (Furiously yelling now) “Have you ever heard of Yin and Yang, positive and negative? There has to be a balance. Moreover you think we can keep accommodating new souls and catch up with the human fatality index? What we do is recycling and reuse. People who have sinned or done well in their past lives are given bad and good lives respectively in their rebirth!!”

Me: “On that explains the latest Om Shanti Om flop (winking again), where you guys involved in delivering such a psychotically pricking topic causing us mortals gastric uneasiness accompanied with a nauseatic feel for upto a week post watching that movie?”

Lady: “Yes we did, haven’t you heard of SIGNS, we keep dropping such hints time and again to make people keep their faith in GOD and his miracles”

Me: (Bored with the entire spiritual hullabaloo). “Ah well ok…. So what brings you to Chennai?”

Lady: “Ahh that, well I heard this Saravanas and Pothys have some amazing Indian ethnic wear stuff!!”

Me: (Staring at her from head to toe, from her Gucci jacket to her D&G Skirt) “But aren’t you supposed to be dressed like a goddess?” (Gosh Girls I tell you, won’t stop shopping even after their death)

Lady: “You insensible pervert, if the Devil WEARs a PRADA, why cannot a goddess wear a Gucci?”

Me: (Mouth wide open again, this time for so long that 2 flies enter and come out after their sabbatical honeymoon with their grandchildren)

Lady: “Dude I really need to take your leave now, have a lot of shopping to do before I get back and start promoting for my latest electoral campaigns. We are planning to raise the latest BUSH is an antichrist issue (http://www.bushisantichrist.com/) which is our only way to topple the present party in power. The destruction that he has brought upon you mortals is worth more than your simply battling your eyelids after watching a Bush related news item. Trust me bro, Judgment Day will be unleashed upon Earth soon if that Satan isn’t pulled out of power. We have to stop this Blasphemy!!”

Me: “Hey Mona, my vote anyways won’t count for your campaign, so save ur breath for your electoral debut!!”

“Waise Mona Darling, what plans for the night, Aati kya khandala (winking again)?” (yea yea,, that’s so typical of me, being in the socially unexciting IT field, to start asking out any gal who talks to me for more than 5 mins and leads me to think that she’s interested in moi)

Lady: “Sorry Buddy, dating a mortal will affect my repute in my campaign, now onwards I date only GODs. Waise you are cute too (winks for the first time, mera dil pura paani paani ho jata hai), wish I had bumped into you when I was just a GHOST!!” (Now that certainly stimulates my male hormones, dating a GHOST, wow man,, that’s something I am yet to try. I start imagining a family with cross bred kids between human and ghosts, just like Ali in Dhoom)

Me: “ok… just one last question before you leave Mona Darling. What made you smile in Leonardo’s Portrait?”

Lady: (starts giggling and blushing like a 20 yr old). “Well that really was a well kept secret till I was alive. If you notice, I am wearing a maternity gown in that pic, I was actually pregnant during those days (blushes again).

Me: “What you saying, I heard you were a perfect pictured Virgin of those days. And pregnant with whose child.. Ohh now don’t tell me it was Leonardo, I very well remember reading he was a GAY!!”

Lady : (Giggling again) .. “Well Leo was indeed a bisexual and not a GAY per se as churches referred to homosexuality as blasphemous and he was quite the Pope’s favorite. He actually thought that I had conceived from him and was hence dedicating that portrait to me and swore on GOD that he would make it a world famous painting. GOD took it so personally that inspite of its worthless character and no-meaning looks, it really became a world famous painting.”

Me: Ahh ok,, that does sound farfetched, but my question was What Made you Smile?

Lady: “Well I was smirking because I and only I knew that the child was Dan Brown’s who was a petty peasant back then and not Da Vinci’s. It was one of the best kept secrets, more secretly kept than the Holy Grail story mentioned in Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code which he wrote in his Re-Birth.”

Me: (mouth wide open again, this time so wide that I can fit an entire rat colony from Chennai in it)

Lady: “Ok bye sweetheart, hope to see u in heaven sometime” (winked and jus flew upwards towards the Great Light shining from the SKY)

Me: “In your dreams you immortal goddess!!” (Was the last line I said and continued by stride singing just a girl in a wolf suit by Alanis Morisette) `

Just then my alarm bell starts ringing with its Choli Ke Peeche kya hai tune… (Yea that’s the only song that can wake a kumbhakaran like me and make me leap out of my bed. Sorry to be so candid ladies, but GOD did biologically design us with an excessive level of Testosterone. So stop giving us adjectives like DOGs and PIGs)

p.s : (For the uninitiated, Dan Brown is the author of the book DA VINCI CODE which is a fictional story about Christ’s real story and it does mention that Leonardo Da Vinci was a Gay!! So no hard feelings towards anyone; and if someone indeed found this post offensive, they can kiss my A@# ;)!!

No Frills Approach !!

Looking at the successful completion of almost half a decade now by our first no frill player Air Deccan in India, I always used to ponder if this same concept will work correspondingly for all service industries. All consumers want the topmost levels of service at the least cost. The only way to reduce cost is to automate and reduce on manpower. But if there is no delivery of a particular service via human means, then how can you define it as a service? But then when I really gave it time and researched, I realized the concept of no-frills has always existed, especially in India since quite a long time now. The only hitch was, that it was never termed as No-Frills per se.

May it be modern private banks that emphasize on the use of ATMs, Internet Banking or Cheque Drop boxes vis a vis the traditional methods of retail banking; or may it be the Indian Railways that have now started the Garib Rath (Rajdhani level comfort at Paschim level cost) as well as introducing of e-tickets or kiosks; or may it be the traditionally existing Guest Houses or Youth Hostels that provide the bare minimum comforts of a shelter minus of a porter/room service/travel desk/etc; or may it be the booking of online tickets for an early morning show which does not have any attendants or food counter – just a plain simple movie; or may it be the booking of hotels online. The Indian airline sector has maybe just adapted to the No Frills phenomenon, but the concept is seen to be trying to creep into the Indian service sector since a long time now. One may call it automation or modernization, but the fast is it is a more convenient service offered to the cost conscious Indian consumer on a decorated platter.

As I am a graduate in Hospitality, I would like to comment on this topic from the Hotels Point of view. Come travel time and India's middle class faces a problem that's as typical as it is common: finding hotel accommodation that's safe, clean, comfortable, and most importantly, affordable. More often than not, they have to compromise on one parameter or the other. We have all heard of the Indian Hotels Company (Taj Group) have launched their FIRST No Frills Hotel – IndiOne. IndiOne is positioned to meet the need for what it terms 'smart basics' accommodation. Targeted at budget travellers and tourists, indiOne offers an innovative hospitality model where the emphasis is on delivering quality hotel rooms at low cost.

I think this concept will just rock in India, imagine middle income group professionals like us, low budget travelers, pilgrims, backpackers, all asking for affordability, hygiene and safety on the one hand, and informality, stylishness, warmth and modern amenities on the other. I mean just book a room on the net, go to the hotel lobby and swipe the same card in a vending machine that prints out your gate pass and electronic-key, just go the room carrying your own luggage, no porters, no reception, no room service, just plain simple ROOM’s. Where security issues like entry registers and identity is concerned, that can always be traced from the credit card details (name/address/age/gender). I do not know how many of you fancy this idea, but I think it will surely be a new way of automation of your SERVICE EXPECTATIONS taking the Indian service industry to new echelons of success at the same time providing consumers like you and me a completely satisfying product.

ANY INPUTS ON THE SAME OR ANY OTHER INDUSTRY?

The Great Indian Retail Story - Differentiation !!

Retail is one benchmark sector growing at a second fastest rate after the IT industry in the last couple of years. Retail is the new sunrise sector being recognized by Indian corporate bigwigs and entrepreneurs alike as the best investment to give promised returns on a much higher scale vis-à-vis the other conventional modes of investments. The Retail industry in India has been growing at a Compounded Average Growth rate of 46.64% in the last 3 years. It is slated to grow at a CAGR of 40% in the next few years. The astounding growth has attracted everyone from multibillionaire Giants like the Future Group, Mukesh Ambani Group, Bharti group and TATA’s to the medium size ventures like RPG’s Spencer, Aditya Birla Group or SPINACH group of hypermarts making them jump on the fast moving retail wagon. The Indian Retail industry is about 2% of the worlds organized retail market which is valued at around USD 25 Billion. Retail has an expected growth rate forecasted at a whopping 25% every year which makes it one of the most promising industries in the ever growing Indian economy. India is said to cross the USD 21.5 Billion mark by the year 2010.

This rapidly growing retail sector has made entrepreneurs pump in money make investments haphazardly without any proper planning or focused business outlook, this is forever true in terms of medium size retailers like Subhiksha who just rapidly expand in metro cities after setting up shop without realizing the potential demand or forecasted supply chain requirements specially in cities like Mumbai which have grown along the length and not on the sides. Unavailability of basic FMCG at Subhiksha stores last month in Mumbai shows the growing need for retailers to consolidate their expertise and grow with focused planning and implementation. The haphazard growth has cost retailers to skip many vital learning curves in the product life cycle of the retail sector costing them more than just opportunity cost of operations with valuable experience in running a retail operation in the unexpected and diverse consumer markets of India’s nook and corners. There are certain cities like Pune and Gurgaon which have more than 3-4 outlets in a given area of 5 square kilometers which has continuously increased the choice of shopping destinations for target customers not only from that area but also from nearby areas. With an increasing growth rate of the sector per se as well as increasing choice, there is a huge demand driving the reins of the retail sector these days – DIFFERENTIATION!! A need to differentiate has made the retailers to constantly find newer avenues for making themselves more visible to customers so that they stand out among the crowd and attract a sizeable amount of the potential targeted customers.

Keeping the above mentioned aspect in mind, my FIRST TOPIC is on researching LAYOUT STRATEGIES currently employed by retailers as a means of differentiation. When consumers have a humongous choice, the Layout Grids of a given Hyper Mart plays an important role in converting walk-in customers into impulse buyers, managing the customer traffic on busy days and thus increasing the profit potential per footfall of the store. A Layout Strategy would include everything right from product placement / display, planning of corridors and design of grids so as to provide maximum visibility for all nooks and corners of the store. Layout Design would play an important role in impulse buying decisions as well as traffic flow of a store (the flow should be in such a way that customers walking in should pass out of the exit after having seen all products displayed in the store).

Anticipating such significant importance of Layout Strategies for current and future retail developments, there is an urgent need (among other needs); to concentrate and apply a push towards existing LAYOUT STRATEGIES employed by retailers.

YOUR INPUTS PLEASE !!

(SOURCE: My MBA Final Year Dissertation Report: for those interested in a full copy of the Research, post your email IDs)

LoVe AcTuAlly - 2

It’s weird to see how people define love, as I am myself in a complete dilemma about this acronym called LOVE!! I happened to read a blog the other day which mentioned a boy doing certain things for a girl and the author asking whether this is true love?? The blog goes something like this:

“I have seen people around me who are in love. I just wanted to share small incidences which I had seen in these days. A boy and a girl fall in love with each other. One wonderful evening a girl praised a moon. And she said to boy I want this moon. A boy did not say anything just kept quiet. Next day he gave her surprised by putting Radium Stickers on the roof of the room which reflects light. She could find her smiling moon on her room’s roof. Isn’t it love? A girl was working late night since morning she did not eat anything. A boy came to know and 5 am in the winter morning he was in front of her office to take her home back. On the way he gave her some food keeping in mind that she did not eat properly. Isn’t it love? A boy was not serious about his studies but a girl saw a Physics book in his hand. Isn’t it love? One day she was hungry. In spite of his tiredness a boy went his home and cooked food for her. He is around her just to see her happiness. Isn’t it love?” – (excerpts from ‘Love is a wonderful feeling… Isn’t it?’ By Savita Munde)

In all it sounds like a very realistic phenomenon and I am sure the author has either gone through this herself or has seen one of her best friends or roommates or siblings going through this. It sounds like a genuinely true love story where two committed souls who are deeply in love with each other are doing things to express their so called LOVE to each other. With my own experience of this immortal and heavenly phenomenon, I somehow have a different angle towards this declaration pronounced as LOVE. Though I would agree all this would come under the super subset of love, I still think they are individual pretexts of a LOVE relationship in its initial stages of the PLC J

I have seen guys go beyond their usual routines to show there care, impress their better halves by things they never even thought they would do; but the only problem I have noticing this so called love occurrence is that it surprisingly follows a PLC (product life cycle).

When the LOVE is in the Introduction stage, both do a lot for each other; especially the guy who goes out of the way to do things to astound upon his dame with his feelings towards her. This is the phase where the guy actually does all the above mentioned things like going that extra mile for your girl and doing all the possible things in the world for her, getting her the most expensive gifts possible and so on and so forth.

Then the love goes on to the Growth stage where friends and parents are brought in loop and the golden couple gets married to live happily ever after. The probability of getting flower’s when they meet, the gulping down of anger when either of them is late, the likelihood of receiving surprise gifts, the possibility of a wide smile on either of their faces everytime they face each other, the odds of getting treated like a prince or princess – all seem to come down in terms of YoY growth rate J

Post marriage comes the Maturity stage where the couple is endowed with a greater responsibility of running a family; managing their house, upbringing of their children, managing the family expenses, etcetera etcetera. The probability of fights and arguments drastically goes up in this stage of the PLC. If the couple is in a joint family with the bride being a housewife, the sandwich situation of the bride between the mum-in-law and her husband immensely increases the odds of post marital distress. (Dear readers, show me one situation at this stage where the 35 yr old man will put radium stickers on the roof of his dames room, or picking her up in the wee hours of the morning – out of love and not out of routine, or cooking for her) Not that I am trying to suppress anybody’s notion towards love, I am merely putting forth my observations (prove me wrong with strong numbers, not with exceptional cases of 1 in a 100).

Now comes the worst part - the DECLINE stage. Here both the members of the ‘once so golden couple’ are now at the apex of their individual career lives. There is no time for each other than the usual greetings at breakfast and dinner – discussions about their child’s studies and career, discussions about pending EMIs and loans and investments, discussing about buying a new house, bla bla bla .. The only occasional tint of romance is when the children surprise their parents with a surprise celebration on their wedding anniversary.

So much said and done, there is a surprising stage at the end of the PLC. Once the parents are retired and sent in some distant flat or old age home by their children, the love seems to come back. This is the product Revival stage. Once the couple is post their 60’s and have past through all their material desires and when such desires seem unimportant in life, the love resurfaces. Both of them have enough time for each other, sitting hand in hand in the same garden where they once used to sit as a young couple. Remembering those times when the boy put radium stickers on her ceiling when she asked for the moon and the times when he occasionally tired his hand at cooking to impress her (but failed miserably). Cribbing about their children who don’t care about them anymore and are busy in their own material lives, walking down the memory lane of their age old love, confessing about times when they had a crush on their respective colleagues/secretaries/boss during the course of their career, and on and on.

However surprising it may sound, we all know this is the bitter fact of life. I may not be a self proclaimed love guru of sorts, but of all the stints that I have been through I have surely realized one thing, CHANGE is the only constant variable when it comes to the Equation of LOVE.

I would like to end my bhashan with a small tagline I read the other day on somebody’s Gtalk – TRUELOVE has 8 letters, so does BULLSHIT !!

GLoBaLisaTIon - My FOOT !!

6 days in maccha land (Chennai) and have already thrown 400 bucks in the traffic cops cap (yea yea, I have come to realize that Chennai traffic cops - like most of the other cops in India, stand with their arms wide open with their caps in their palms, forcing you to throw money into it everytime you get a non-TN vehicle in their city). We are bloody making tall claims of developing towards globalization and talking about a FLAT new world whereas our own gory country is divided into 28 sub continents (fraudulently called as states) which are further subdivided into 23795673920297449 million countries and sub countries which are ruled by their own respective Taliban-ishtyle mullas in their own bloody way !! We have to pay a luggage toll and excise duty to take one truck of good from one state border to another, we need to have separate number plates for every state and that particular vehicle can be freely driven only in that particular state and if you wish to take it out and cross the border of the state even for a day, u need a NON Objection Certificate from your respective state government. What kind of an anarchical pathetically stupid politically incompetent country are we living in? We talk about making India inclined at par with the global leading counter, while inside our own country we don’t have a standardized free flow system to avoid problems to the AAM AADMI. Making an NOC in itself is a tiresome process (in Maharashtra we have to make 4 rounds on 4 different days with one day allotted each week bribing 28336454546 khaki clad RTO idiots at every Point of Contact), apart from RTO they make you go to the CBI for a NOC from them (which means bribing another 2347474937 civil dressed idiotic government servants) before you get the final NOC from the RTO. This means if you are staying in sangli or miraj and jus feel like going on a drive towards the Karnataka border or if you are staying in nagpur and feel like going to indore for a vacation you need to go through this gruesome process of getting an NOC. That is a very lame attempt towards GLOBALISATION Mr Prime Minister when you cant even bridge your own damned states !!

I can understand having state specific number plates for better governing and convenience in terms of identifying a vehicle to its registration point, I can also understand transfer of registration from one state to another when a vehicle is sold off to another owner. But when I am carrying my RC book as well as my Insurance and my license along with me, why in gods name should I need another document just if I feel like going for a vacation in some other state using my car. This is utter dictatorship in the worlds largest democracy !!

Wake up you laggards, before you destroy this democracy using rules which should have been banned with the end of Aurangzebs regime.. Its time you re-write the constitution and every other SOP in terms of excise/RTO/vehicle movement/Health and Infrastructure policy to transform INDIA into its truly shining Status !!

LOVE ACTUALLY!!

Well the other day we all buddies were discussing about the difference between LOVE, Crush and infatuation!! Though we brainstormed on the topic for almost an hour coming up with our own stupid perceptions of the three concepts, it triggered my atom size brain into a series of fission reactions churning out my credence about this term called love!!

So what is love? I fail to understand the voracity of ideas that has conceptualized this stereotypical concept of love around us. Why is love synonymous with fidelity!! Why does love only mean being faithful to one person, being caring, getting married to that person, pump out kids and loving them and bringing them up in a perfect stereotypical environ which has to be a benchmark of a perfect couple !! Why is being adventurous after marriage such a taboo?? Getting attracted towards another colleague whom you can relate more than your wife, having a secret crush or a fantasy about your fiancés sister, feeling a sexual attraction towards your grown up daughter, imagining your favorite actress in place of your wife whilst making love ….. The list just goes on – but all just gets summated in one word TABOO!! And then you point out at the male hormone and say that all men are assholes of the worst order, completely insensitive and are born to cheat and sleep behind their partners back!! Why are mistresses looked upon as if they are some liability on this planet, why are their feelings inferior, outlawed and proscribed vis a vis a legal wife’s feelings for her husband !! Are they different in any biological or scientific way? Aren’t both beings as human have equal rights to feel and care for their love, crave for their partners physical presence. But society never accepts this fact!!

I remember the funny remark that we used to pass during singing our pledge in school everyday – All Indians are my Brothers and Sisters – except one. Even during those days of “we don’t need no education” and other radical philosophies burning in our minds, one thing was drilled straight down our heads by the society – that we have only one partner in our whole life – one wife, one spouse, one beau, only ONE!!

Why is the topic of sex such a taboo under all the religions and cultures around the world!! Why is being adventurous after marriage labeled as cheating and infidelity. Why are guys who have stronger harmonic urges who fulfill them are looked upon as dogs conceiving with any bitch they find on the road!! Why is it a sin to look at any other girl once you have a committed relationship; when since centuries nature itself in its abundance has left us to savage and devour its beauty and tranquility? Which other animal on this planet follow a one partner rule – in fact nature itself has imbibed on the concept of multiplication which we accurately term as the mating season which differs from animal to animal. Has the term social animal that has been denoted to humans, bound them to terms like infidelity? Renowned author Paulo Coelho also points out through his book The Zahir that the concept of one partner started being followed amongst tribes for the sake of FOOD. Until that time, it was perfectly natural for both the sexes who were both given equal importance to choose their own partners amongst the tribes, conceive children and then move on to other mates. Why is it then this tradition of one partner started centuries even before traces of the first religion were found, are being followed blindly even till date.

I admit that I am not driving my thoughts towards formation of a new society where anybody can just sleep with anyone of their choice; no I am not being so juvenile and illogical. But all I want is an answer as to why being in love with someone from the bottom of your heart, when you already have a committed partner in some other corner of the world, termed as CHEATING on your partner?? Is following your hearts voice a sin? Don’t we change our durables atleast once a year to keep up with the latest trends and technology; don’t we give up our old furniture and get in new furniture when they become outdated, so why can’t we just simply get bored with our respective partner? Ohh no, I think even mentioning the term bored is a sin in today’s world of humane societal values. Is dragging yourself with someone whom u despise from the bottom of your heart true humanity or is following your free will!!

I do agree that a world where just everyone starts ogling and running behind every other attractive person of the opposite sex sounds utterly chaotic, muddled, messy and disorganized. I am not writing to ask everyone to start adopting our ancestors tribal ways of living, all I am pointing out are disgorgement of archaic principles which are being simply followed for no rhyme or reason. All I am asking for is chucking out antiquated belief’s which are being driven erroneously on the concept of LOVE. Is this really love? I am sure this article would be heavily criticized by people who have always lived under the umbrella of these lackadaisical concepts, and I m equally sure that maximum readers would associate their own lives and relationships with the questions asked above.

Whichever the case, I cannot really conclude this topic with a firm finale. I am myself not sure what should be termed as RIGHT and what is WRONG, and moreover I am part of the same social system and hierarchy that I am commenting on. Though I would like to end this blog with a quote from a dear friend which I find very interesting – "love after love is possible and normal; lust after love is possible and normal" !!

We DonT NEeD nO EdUcAtIOn !!

Have been reading the banned Opal Mehta got kissed book since last 2 days and it really makes me wonder the kind of hysterical dread that parents stuff into young nubile minds. The need to succeedingly achieve competence is leading Indian parents to groom their Youngsters right since they are out of a mother’s womb; pushing their young ones towards continuously attaining echelons so that they design themselves into a perfecto sculpture of precision into this roller coaster rat race called LIFE.

Parents in a frenzy of making their children successful in life are now crossing unlimlitless boundaries. The kind of efforts put behind their children, if concentrated on their own professional lives – would definitely turn them into Mittals and Ambanis.

SO how does one define a successful life??

I say a victorious life for an Indian is made of 3 things – money, money, money?? And how does one attain money, the first answer by any Indian layman would be – become a Doctor or Engineer. Ask any Indian housewife what they would want their children to become, the answer would be a crystal clear IT professional who would fly off to the US of A and earn dollars or even better – get a green card.

So blind is the smoke screen filled with GREEN that youngsters like you and me have forgotten the actual need for education.

Education has become an alleyway to a glorious life filled with luxuries and GREENery , and no more a conduit towards enlightenment and being a better individual. Educational institutions are turned to mere placement agencies where the top grades are given to colleges that attract the highest placement offers and not to the ones that actually impart quality edification. Why do you think people try to bell the CAT for years and get into a prestigious IIM. Is it really the kind of quality education imparted? Or is it more for the underlined truth of SOciaL PrestiGe and secured placements. I seriously undermine the authenticity of poorly governed and government funded institutions like JBIMS where students actually crave for basic infrastructure. The fact that the institute gets top placements is only because the recruiters know that the top talent is screened and selected in these so called prestigious institutions during the admission / selection process.

How many students pursue microbiology for their pursuit towards decoding their biological fantasies? How many in India actually try and lead their life towards ones actual interests? Would Dhirubhai AMbani have ever allowed Anil to become a marine biologist if he had the fantasy for aquatic life? No parent in India would happily do that unless their child is a rebel and a self follower.

Indian education practices are narrowly bordered on all sides encompassing only empty vacuum in the form of streamlined, conventional, meaningless books and boring unattended lectures shaping into 3 yr bachelor course. It is high time the entire fraternity awakens to this incomprehensible nonsense and actually imparts QuaLitY EdUCaTIOn !!

Condom Mania

Have heard about condoms being ineffective, but today was the heights of all freak accidents ever!! Having met my gurl after 4 months, we were both eager to undress each other even before the bedroom door was locked.. I have been a durex loyal since my nascent stages of sexdom. But today due to Durex’s lack of market penetration led me buying a pack of KOHINOOR.

I entered the shop with a confident look. There was a maharashtrian auntie in shop talking about today’s YOUNG generation, so I hushed up the other assistant in the shop and asked him a pack of DUREX. He went behind the stacks of CERELAX and Bournvita, he looked from one drawer to another for a period which felt as long as eternity (I would have conceived and produced 10 kids in that period). He finally emerged from behind the hoard and whimpered like a puppy with my foot on his tail “sir, DUREX nahin hai, KamaSutra chalega?? Exasperated at his lack of confidentiality, I looked from one eye to the other, from the aunties to the shop owners who were giving me that sweet look. At my confident best, I asked him for a KamaSutra , this time the reply was faster , “Sir Kamasutra ka bada packet hai , 40 condoms wala” . I felt like telling him, that tho I mite be fanatical about catering culinary delicacies, but I m def not interested in making any condom curry!!

And so I came home with a shining new PINK Kohinoor packet, all ready to see my beloved in my arms. Quite frankly, I have always been condom-phobic and have never been able to use them as they r supposed to be used. First 15 mins were dedicared mot to foreplay, but surprisingly to wear that dirty fucking pink colored rubber. Till then, I was deadly sure about one thing, there is no condom as comfy as DUREX..

I finally stretched the darn thing enough so that I could wear it, and then turned to my priorities.

Tired of the same position every time, I decided to try something new that day, so I asked my lady love to turn for me.. and Jeepers Creepers.., within two minutes my p#$%^s was out and there was no condo on it… I tried searching on the bed and along its length, but no sir, couldn’t find even a single trace!! Then after searching for some time, like a lightning, the truth struck me…. The fucking rubber was stuck inside my damsel…. Who was now a damsel in distress – I could actually picture a scenario of a surgeon operating on my sweet lady to remove the damn thing out!!

Confused like a kid, I was totally perplexed regarding what to do? Then like a lightning, I jus threw out all my worries and dug my fingers inside and took the fucking rubber out … wallah !! It was finally out and safe ….

Moral of the STORY – never try twisting and turning while using a KOHINOOR condom !!

p.s – All the references preceded with a FUCKING Condom are deliberate derogatory remarks for the manufacturer of cheap , lower quality pink condoms !!

KANK

Karan Johar has decided to move out of his typical audience loving family blockbusters and explore the world of experimental topics not seen apt by many traditional Indian viewers!! He has not only tried his hand at the theme of infidelity or failed relationships – but has succeeded in bringing out the entire subject with such minute details (of emotions and events) that it takes me back to similar days of my past.

The story might have Bollywood snippets woven inside the comfy layover, but each and every emotion that the unhappy Dev and Maya go through are so well touched upon and taken care of that it’s worth throwing your hats off to Mr Gay Johar. Right from conventional instances of people with similar problems landing up talking to each other, till scenes where Dev buys a bouquet to gift his Mistress and bumps into his wife; the film spews reality bytes right from the start to the end. Though I agree with Nikhat Kazmi in his TOI review about KANK that the starting scene of meeting up on a bench does seem a bit filmy and overstretched from pragmatism, the rest of the movie is just an ideal example of real emotions exhibited with glamour and authenticity to utmost perfection.

It is the typical audience who are so used to watching adventurous love stories full of saga and romance that out of the way topics like OmKAra and KANK are just not appreciated up to there actual merit.

KANK is a must watch for all couples - married and unmarried alike, especially for those who have tasted the astringent tang of infidelity on either side of the stage!! It is an uptight rational voyage that keeps you glued on and relates yourself to the characters in such a delightful demeanor, that you hardly realize the unconventionally longer duration of the film.

A big applaud to Mr Johar for the spell bounded look that I saw on every face in the cinema hall when the lights came on during intermission!!

ColA FLaVouREd PesTIcIDE !!

I fail to understand the recent clamor over the pesticide issue concerning cola drinks?? Haven’t Indians of all other global citizens famous for their affection towards other alternative drinks like tea, buttermilk and fruit juices.

We being the novel generation have been hearing horror stories of toilets getting cleaned spick and span by using cola drinks and teeth melting overnight if kept in a cola solution; then why the racket now? Haven’t we as the privileged educated few known about the dreadful effects about consuming cola drinks? Ranging from high calories to obesity and from hyper tension to chronic diabetes, colas have always been a morally banned drink amongst parents all over. I don’t remember any kind of drinks other than Mangola and Energee being sold in my school canteen even 10 years back.

Why blame multinationals?? Being from a socialist and communist background, Indians – politicians and citizens alike have been biased towards Foreign Cos since the initial days of the opening of the economy. Why blame the multinationals when our own babus and government have forced them to put up manufacturing facilities in villages and rural areas to generate employment. Land which has been traditionally occupied under farming practices is obviously high in pesticide content!! Which company would love to add a pesticide in their recipe for a damned cold drink? But how much can they help if the ground water itself is full of unlimited pesticide content. After having known the capacity in which water would be seeped from the available resources for the required production in advance, the government at that time is more concerned over under the table bribes involved at different stages of setting up a manufacturing unit. And then when competition funded NGOs raise a voice, the government awakens and asks the companies to stop depleting the ground water resources.

How much does a Mumbaikar think before drinking the BMC supplied water without filtering or boiling? How much does a Delhitte think before eating a pani puri with water used from god knows where touched with hands put in god knows what? We all keep eating from roadside gaddis and gutter side stalls inspite of seeing flies hovering over these gutters kissing and spitting in our food!!

The entire panorama lands me towards only one conclusion – we all need a push to remove our frustrations on someone or the other from time to time!! Wasn’t the pesticide issue highlighted enough 3 years back, then why are we rousing now over the so called sin that is being committed by the cola companies?? Did the pesticide content just disappear after the media sidelines the issue??

So what is the moral of the story – always think the Vishal way!! Drink only from fountain-pepsi counters as they allegedly make their carbonated liquids using local water resources or add local water to reduce costs!!

KaChaNGgggggggggggg !!!!

ColA FLaVouREd PesTIcIDE - part 2 !!

SRK JusTIFiCaTiOn !!

Guess SRK thinks the vishal way too; he has argued that IndIA is a FILTHY country..... For once some1 of his cadre has commented something candidly and genuinely without any least hint of self interest. The air that we breathe in Mumbai is as harmfully equivalent to smoking 29 cigs in a day – beat THAT!! Everything from fruits to vegetables and all products based on ground water are equally bred and sold under the same pesticide MIX !! Swaminathan Aiyer has gone a step beyond and even compared MILK products to COLAS. As per the Maneka Gandhi comment about harmful contents in unskimmed milk, even having daily consumptions of milk based products can be equally perilous and fatal in long terms.

I really hate the way politicians dodge and twist and hedge such issues off their white collars as and how events turn, sometimes more spuriously then even a boxer in the ring. These self proclaimed socialistic heroes ride every event like a rodeo with utmost skill and precision. While kerala has already shown its wrath towards the capitalist US based MNC’s by banning colas, TN is soon to follow Kerala’s lead. This abysmally appalling behavior under the umbrella of so called socialistic goals is just another attempt to throw blames to RICH powerful foreign firms who are actually the only reason that India has even managed to forecast a 10% GDP growth.

The under informed and over spoken politicos should moreover concentrate on the ground realities of the issue of increasing pesticide content in ground water level which are being caused by hasty farmers over burdening the ecology with pesticidal residues in return for quick results. There should be steps taken to improve the soil topography in terms of artificial alien contents of all types.

Either choose to recover the ground water standards or choose to ignore and continue to live up with the reality bytes. The relieving fact is Darwin’s theory of evolution!! Human being is a continuously evolving species and if insects and pests can evolve and build a resistance towards pesticides and become immune towards such chemicals – why cant human beings?? I would rather suggest indulging into all such tagged poisonous liquids and in the long run become immune to even the most dreadful of chemicals in the WORLD !!

OBC Hullaboo

Empower them !!

I regret the pledge we used to sing proudly in school – reconciling our self with the fact that India is a secular , sovereign , socialist , democratic republic !! Or is it ??

Well I remember myself being down with cold one fine day, and my granny trying to fish out a decent doctor in the neighborhood (we were knew in d area) – I just remembered seeing a docs name around d corner and dragged my granny to that place – she pulled my hand back and said “that doctors name is KORE which means he is an SC/ST – so he has definitely got admission from quotas and may not even be worth prescribing medicines to a DOG!!

Oour politicians and dalit supporters claim that till INDIA INC and Higher Level educations starts embracing dalits and other backward classes – there would be no upliftment. Dear sir/s – the question is not about embracing dalits but about accepting these so called underprivileged who are brought up in a cradle of quotas cos every1 know they aren’t worth it !!

With such frail policies as quotas – u r downgrading them much more then they can grow in an atmosphere of empowerment. If our babus want more votes - make education free for everyone who is economically underprivileged and not religiously disadvantaged!! Give them free education, free hostel… free books.. But only to theose who deserve it !! We all have seen SC-ST students joining higher education on as low as 40% marks and then give up in a yr or 2 thus wasting that seat..

The recent OBC issue is worth dying for, hats off to the AIIMS students who had the guts to voice out!! And a middle finger to all those tardy politicians who decided to opt for silence during passing the OBC vote..

Ironically, OBCs are the most affluent of all the backward and underprivileged classes and I know most of them being on higher economic hedges then most of us – then y this outright mockery of the constitutional rights for all the open categories!! With so many reservations for every unheard category, a paltry 5-10% remains for the open classes.. so is a unforeseen revenge that has been bestowed upon the privileged many !! Lets all come together and fight for a quota even for an open category!! I guess that’s the only way out of this mayhem

People prefer working as Individuals

Virtually every working person I’ve ever come across believes in teamwork. At least they say they do. Sadly, a scarce few of them make teamwork a reality in their organizations; in fact, they often end up creating environments where political infighting and departmental serenity are the norm. And yet they continue to flaunt their belief in teamwork, as if that alone will somehow make it magically appear. I think that only a small minority of companies truly understand and embrace teamwork, even though, more than one in three of the Fortune 500 publicly declares it to be a core value.

“I would like to start by asking a question – What is a TEAM?
I would say it’s an ‘Allegedly Cohesive Summation’ of INDIVIDUALS”

Contrary to conventional wisdom, teamwork is not a virtue in itself. It is merely a strategic choice, not unlike adopting a specific sales model or a financial strategy. And certainly, when properly understood and implemented, it is a powerful and beneficial tool. Unfortunately, management theorists and human resources professionals have made teamwork unconditionally desirable, something akin to being a good corporate citizen.
As a result, we see many of today’s champion managers adopt this theory without actually realizing what it entails. Take them in a corner, confide them, and ask them the truth – “Why do u actually follow team work?” They would say – that’s the convention about employees in today’s organizational portfolio.

Of course, none of this is to say that teamwork is not a worthy goal. There is no disputing that it is uniquely powerful, enabling groups of people to achieve more collectively than they could have imagined doing apart. However, the requirements of teamwork cannot be over hyped. Becoming a team is not necessarily right for every group of leaders. The fact is, building a leadership team is hard. What follows is a realistic description of what a group of managerial executives must be ready to do if they undertake the nontrivial task of becoming a team.

Individual Work Vs Group Work
You might ask which one according to me is better - Group Work or Individual Work? I would say Better is a relative term and also that Work per se is a glossary in itself. Each and every type of work is unique in itself hence one can never predict or prove the magnitude of significance of either of the two. The importance of either is purely situation based. We can assume one thing safely, at least for accuracy tasks, groups perform better than individuals. The outcome of an accuracy task depends on the most competent member of the group. All it takes is one person who is correct, and the group will succeed. It follows from this idea that the more people who are working on a problem, the greater the odds are that someone will be competent enough to solve it.

As I mentioned at the beginning of the passage, group work is religiously practiced just because it is socially, politically and organizationally more famed than individualism. Being a part of the call centre industry for 2 yrs – let me quote an example which is close to my heart – A call centre typically has the following hierarchy in operations:

CCM

- TOM

- TL

- Customer Rep

Let me elaborate – it has one call centre manager (CCM) who has more than 5 Team Operation Managers (TOM) in every section. A TOM heads more than 10 TL’s each who further look after a team of at least 10 executives. Now keeping apart the organization culture and philosophy (which only sounds good in text books or countries like Japan), every executive will have his own philosophy and attitude towards work, his own objectives and his own agenda. Imagine a team which is consistently leading the floor for 6 months and in comes a new comer who is very low on job loyalty, a dimwit with a scarce motivation and stimulus to work. Assuming that the team tries their best to get him on his feet and try every possible trick in the book to push him harder , he still keeps the team out of the top 5 for more than a quarter – what do u think happens to the loyalty and motivation of his coworkers in the team. Taking an exactly opposite scenario, muse over a very dedicated and overworking employee who gives his 200 % towards work everyday , he just gets disembarked to a team full of dimwits with an equally dimwit TL. What do u infer about his enthusiasm towards work?

This example is not only across the executive hierarchy – try and judge the above mentioned scenario among all chains of command. Can u imagine the utmost level of pandemonium, I am sure u can actually visualize this scenario in 3-D without even wearing 3D glasses. If you consider any organization – even after Democratic leadership being scribbled in bold on the Mission Statement – we all know that any leader always goes on his own gut instinct and verdict after taking a consensus from his team (this example is more inclined towards lower rungs of the hierarchy ladder). People whose opinions are slightly considered and taken into account are very happy – but what about those who views are vomited back on them with interest in front of their team mates.

Now consider a call centre with individuals working instead of a team, each individual given a certain target to meet and incentives proportional to the amount of the target mark crossed. The ones with enthusiasm will continue to work harder in order to achieve more recognition and incentive and the dimwits can be easily spotted in the stack and kicked off or retrained. Each individual responsible for his own actions and rewards instead of a dimwit getting recognition just because his team is good. The worst part is in a team you can never be your own self but adapt yourself to the majority of the subordinates if you want to be accepted. An individual will always be considered at par with his group inspite of his individual competence. Why go far, consider our own college!! Of all the group projects that I have been a part of till now – I have seen that only 2-3 of the entire 5 students work and slog to meet deadlines while the rest lay off by saying – I don’t have a PC at home or I have to participate in a fashion show. While individual projects like this one or computer assignments give you limitless boundaries to show off your ingenuity, they are even always submitted on time. I am more than content writing this blog and speaking my heart out.

I may sound like a left front leader shouting slogans against globalization, but this is just the tip of the iceberg that’s going to break our corporate titanic into half. Take an opinion poll today in college and ask their preference towards Individual Work Vs Group Work – I bet that you will unearth all Brain Child’s and sincere students asking for working individually while all dimwits insisting for group work (Activities apart from assembly line work or physical work where group working is a must)

Benefits of Team/Group Work
· In group work, you can draw on each group member's knowledge and perspectives, a better understanding of the class material for exams, labs, etc.
· You can also draw on people's different strengths. For example, you might be a great analyst while someone else is much better at organizing papers.
· Groups are great for motivation: they force you to be responsible to others and frequently, then, do more and better work on a project than you might when only responsible to yourself.
· Group work helps keep you on task. It's harder to delay when working with others.

Benefits of Individual Work:
· Main benefit is that the employee identifies himself/herself with the job and organization and this leads to improved motivation and enhanced task performance.
· It leads to reduced conflicts and thus stress, more commitment towards goals and better acceptance of change, improved communication.
· It is almost a matter of common sense that human beings will take greater pride and pleasure in their work if they are allowed individual freedom in shaping policies and decision which affect their work – as compared to team consensus.

Presume that groups do not perform better tasks than individuals – there would be little motivation to make groups at all. However people do work in groups, in fact they work in it so often that we tend to conclude that groups are a quintessential part of any organization. To give another concrete example to harden my argument, consider a group of 10 with one member making an error (atleast one) – there would be an error rate of
10 % on the whole which is obviously unacceptable. Moreover as the number of people in the group increases and the amount of work decreases – productivity decreases as well. And if the task is unexciting, their minds may wander, or perhaps they talk among themselves. If this happens, the process variables are faulty. Things do not run as smoothly as they could. Thus, actual productivity equals potential productivity minus losses due to this "faulty" process. If u make these same people work individually on a task – the summation of their individual productivity would be much higher. Just to cite one more example – imagine 5 female typists typing together in a group vs. the same typists typing alone in 5 different rooms. Given a time span of one hour, which fraction do you think will click to give maximum yield?

On account of time and page constraints – let’s summarize the topic. We can now safely presume that team/group work devours much more time and resources as compared to individual work. The former is not only less productive but also has more conflicts to be dealt with, higher communiqué hassle, and the most monotonous component is the number of meetings to be arranged for any job or discussion. Thus Group work is more pricey and less beneficial in the long run. The bottom-line on which I have stressed time and again is that team work is being brought in without reason by some managers into situations which can be more efficiently managed by individuals – just to keep up with the latest organizational trends.

ABoUt MySelF !!

I guess the most diabolical aspect of any person’s persona is his perception about himself – something in OD/HR terms called as SELF CONCEPT. Every person has a very vague and familiar dilemma about their own definition about themselves. I being a sane mortal choose to be in that same category of dilemmatic individuals who can never have a crisp and well defined self concept.

My about me sections on any dating website or friendship groups including my blogs define me in my most basic self perception:

I WOuLD LuV tO IntROdUCe MySElf aS a sElf ProCLaImeD KiNg Of

The KinGDom oF AsShOlEs.... An EnLigHTened SOuL In ThIs

AbySmaLy AtROcIoUs LaNd oF muMbAI !!

These simple 3 lines about me explain almost all the 23 years of my life including my self perception of being an As#$@$^& of the worst order to the array of ups and downs in this rollercoaster Bi#$%@ called LIFE. It also focuses on me being on a better plain as compared to the other abysmal souls for which I would like to pass on benefit to the innumerably superfluous tragedies that I have gone through in this atrocious city.

Having read half a page about me I am sure you all would now deduce a perception about me being a sadistic pessimist who would never like to take his life head on and would crib for every inch of bruises that life imparts on me. But the story just begins here; since childhood I have had a knack for creative aspects of this enchanting journey called life. Though there is not even an average ounce of creativity in my genes, I love to expand on people’s creativity or ideas. In school I used to think I had an artistic ability of copying ideas but I beg to differ with myself now. Expanding on other peoples ideas is what defines the very foundation of the corporate world, everything from board room decisions to strategic game plans!! Not everyone is gifted to endow others who have a vision but don’t know how to reach to it in the best possible way!!

Apart from enhancing creative ideas I also like to indulge myself in critique write ups about any real life issue which irritates my conscience. I write about any concern that frustrates me from the bottom of my heart, or any issue which pacifies me or makes me happy by the way it is carried out or handled. My favorite write ups include the ones about OBC reservations and the Cola – Pesticide matter.

I love reading about current affairs, brand stories – transformations and current behaviors, I love to analyze situations and provide my on point of view towards achieving a consensual solution. I believe in populist decisions as a leader, what is good for many is good for all, but what serves interests of minorities should be sidelined. I have my own political outlook especially towards countries like India with a rich and diverse political history and also my own set of inclination towards the right and hatred towards the left. I am a big aficionado of the entire concept of Economics. Everything from the fascinating demand-supply theory to concepts like PPP to PPC and micro concepts like BOP and inflation; I am equally engrossed in all.

My negative aspects include my selfish outlook towards my personal relationships where I hop into the shoes of a self proclaimed king who by default takes all decision regarding relationships and steer and ride them as per my own whims and fancies. My lust and importance for material things as well as relationships are always cyclically phased. The importance to each individual or commodity is always linked to their movement on life’s sensex (I call it VSE – VIzz Stock Exchange)

My weaknesses are a dime a dozen; the worst being my inability to break rules. My peers call me anything ranging from a FaTTu to DarPoK and also PagAL .. But I still can never consciously go against a one way sign, break traffic signals, and go fast on a road where I know there would be cops with speed guns, sketch abuses on the college walls, break any SOPs during exams, etcetera, etcetera... Its not that I do not do it, but I can only do it when I am deadly assured of not breaking the 11^th commandment –

ThOu ShALt NeVa GeT CauGht ..

I am ever so fascinated with my childhood dream of being a top notch corporate analyst in some big Think Tank. I always hallucinate about my future in terms of my career where I am a constant flier visiting cities around the globe and studying the market cultures and dynamics that every city hides within itself.

Well that’s all about Moi !!