WhaT mAKes MoNa LiSa SMiLe?

(Excerpts and style of writing adapted from ROHANs blog on blogspot.com. Rohan you ROCK !!)

The other day I was just leaving my Tidel Park office and bumped in to a stylishly dressed foreigner lady. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: “Ahoy, watch your stride gurly; u could have just crushed me there?”

Lady: “Buzzer Off looser!!”

ME: (Staring in her face) “I think I have seen you somewhere?”

Lady: “Yeaa, Whatever” (disgruntled)

Me: “No I am serious. (With a startled look) Ohh wait a minute, aren’t you Alanis Morisette?”

Lady: “Alanis Who?” (Looking with contempt)

Me: “Alanis Morissette DUH….. The gr8 Singer, songwriter, actress, record producer??”

Lady: (Completely irritated now) “Look buddy, I don’t give a horse’s s#*$ if I look like some Neolithic singer, I am MONA LISA”

Me: (staring silently in disbelief – silence for the first time in 24 years of my worthless life, it had never stopped since the time that sexy nurse patted me on my back to start breathing).

Lady: “If you are done with your contemptuous blabbering, can I take your leave?”

Me: (Still staring in disbelief) “You mean The Mona Lisa of the Da Vinci Fame? What in GODs name are you doing here?”

Lady: “Are you always so thick?” (Incensed)

Me: “Naa I am thin and athletic?” (Coolly)

Lady: “No you dumbass, I mean are you always so questionable and irritating to every stranger you meet?”

Me: “Don’t know? But my gal keeps saying the same thing…… Am I?”

Lady: “No wonder!!”

Me: “What?”

Lady: “Ohhh,, Never mind !!”

Me: “So what are you doing here, aren’t you supposed to be like dead centuries back?”

Lady: “Ohh I keep descending to earth from the heavens every now and then!! Take a week off or so from my political career up there and chill out on earth!!”

Me: (Mouth wide open, so wide that Michael Phelp could do multiple summersaults and dive in it winning the best swimmer accolade all over again) “Political Career?? Up in the heavens?”

Lady: “Ohh well yea, I was designated a GODDESS few days back. Where do you think all these gods n goddesses come from? These are just souls of erstwhile human’s ascended upto the heavens and later show good PR around the place (winks). Are you getting my drift?”

Me: “Ohh you mean like the CR of the class? Yea Yea, we used to do the same in our B-School too!!”

Lady: “You pervert moron, is that the only level to which you can relate GODs supreme court. Forgive him lord for he has sinned (starts blabbering some hymns)

Me: “Ohh never mind all that, I have a Business Class reservation to HELL, have tried wiping my sins in the holy Ganges, never worked tho ;)” (Blushing like a 12 yr old guy in love for the first time). “So there are Goddesses along with GODs too (winking)? I thought the Catholic Church was quite a male dominated society?

Lady: “Yes you mortal fool, times have changed. If the likes of Indra Nooyi (PepsiCo) and Kiran Muzumdar (Biocon) can lead corporate strides, than why can’t we have goddesses in heavens? It’s called the equality of the gender you Chauvinist creep!!”

Me: “Ahh well ok. So if there really is a GOD and a GODs court as you name it, then why all the miseries on Earth?”

Lady: (Furiously yelling now) “Have you ever heard of Yin and Yang, positive and negative? There has to be a balance. Moreover you think we can keep accommodating new souls and catch up with the human fatality index? What we do is recycling and reuse. People who have sinned or done well in their past lives are given bad and good lives respectively in their rebirth!!”

Me: “On that explains the latest Om Shanti Om flop (winking again), where you guys involved in delivering such a psychotically pricking topic causing us mortals gastric uneasiness accompanied with a nauseatic feel for upto a week post watching that movie?”

Lady: “Yes we did, haven’t you heard of SIGNS, we keep dropping such hints time and again to make people keep their faith in GOD and his miracles”

Me: (Bored with the entire spiritual hullabaloo). “Ah well ok…. So what brings you to Chennai?”

Lady: “Ahh that, well I heard this Saravanas and Pothys have some amazing Indian ethnic wear stuff!!”

Me: (Staring at her from head to toe, from her Gucci jacket to her D&G Skirt) “But aren’t you supposed to be dressed like a goddess?” (Gosh Girls I tell you, won’t stop shopping even after their death)

Lady: “You insensible pervert, if the Devil WEARs a PRADA, why cannot a goddess wear a Gucci?”

Me: (Mouth wide open again, this time for so long that 2 flies enter and come out after their sabbatical honeymoon with their grandchildren)

Lady: “Dude I really need to take your leave now, have a lot of shopping to do before I get back and start promoting for my latest electoral campaigns. We are planning to raise the latest BUSH is an antichrist issue (http://www.bushisantichrist.com/) which is our only way to topple the present party in power. The destruction that he has brought upon you mortals is worth more than your simply battling your eyelids after watching a Bush related news item. Trust me bro, Judgment Day will be unleashed upon Earth soon if that Satan isn’t pulled out of power. We have to stop this Blasphemy!!”

Me: “Hey Mona, my vote anyways won’t count for your campaign, so save ur breath for your electoral debut!!”

“Waise Mona Darling, what plans for the night, Aati kya khandala (winking again)?” (yea yea,, that’s so typical of me, being in the socially unexciting IT field, to start asking out any gal who talks to me for more than 5 mins and leads me to think that she’s interested in moi)

Lady: “Sorry Buddy, dating a mortal will affect my repute in my campaign, now onwards I date only GODs. Waise you are cute too (winks for the first time, mera dil pura paani paani ho jata hai), wish I had bumped into you when I was just a GHOST!!” (Now that certainly stimulates my male hormones, dating a GHOST, wow man,, that’s something I am yet to try. I start imagining a family with cross bred kids between human and ghosts, just like Ali in Dhoom)

Me: “ok… just one last question before you leave Mona Darling. What made you smile in Leonardo’s Portrait?”

Lady: (starts giggling and blushing like a 20 yr old). “Well that really was a well kept secret till I was alive. If you notice, I am wearing a maternity gown in that pic, I was actually pregnant during those days (blushes again).

Me: “What you saying, I heard you were a perfect pictured Virgin of those days. And pregnant with whose child.. Ohh now don’t tell me it was Leonardo, I very well remember reading he was a GAY!!”

Lady : (Giggling again) .. “Well Leo was indeed a bisexual and not a GAY per se as churches referred to homosexuality as blasphemous and he was quite the Pope’s favorite. He actually thought that I had conceived from him and was hence dedicating that portrait to me and swore on GOD that he would make it a world famous painting. GOD took it so personally that inspite of its worthless character and no-meaning looks, it really became a world famous painting.”

Me: Ahh ok,, that does sound farfetched, but my question was What Made you Smile?

Lady: “Well I was smirking because I and only I knew that the child was Dan Brown’s who was a petty peasant back then and not Da Vinci’s. It was one of the best kept secrets, more secretly kept than the Holy Grail story mentioned in Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code which he wrote in his Re-Birth.”

Me: (mouth wide open again, this time so wide that I can fit an entire rat colony from Chennai in it)

Lady: “Ok bye sweetheart, hope to see u in heaven sometime” (winked and jus flew upwards towards the Great Light shining from the SKY)

Me: “In your dreams you immortal goddess!!” (Was the last line I said and continued by stride singing just a girl in a wolf suit by Alanis Morisette) `

Just then my alarm bell starts ringing with its Choli Ke Peeche kya hai tune… (Yea that’s the only song that can wake a kumbhakaran like me and make me leap out of my bed. Sorry to be so candid ladies, but GOD did biologically design us with an excessive level of Testosterone. So stop giving us adjectives like DOGs and PIGs)

p.s : (For the uninitiated, Dan Brown is the author of the book DA VINCI CODE which is a fictional story about Christ’s real story and it does mention that Leonardo Da Vinci was a Gay!! So no hard feelings towards anyone; and if someone indeed found this post offensive, they can kiss my A@# ;)!!

No Frills Approach !!

Looking at the successful completion of almost half a decade now by our first no frill player Air Deccan in India, I always used to ponder if this same concept will work correspondingly for all service industries. All consumers want the topmost levels of service at the least cost. The only way to reduce cost is to automate and reduce on manpower. But if there is no delivery of a particular service via human means, then how can you define it as a service? But then when I really gave it time and researched, I realized the concept of no-frills has always existed, especially in India since quite a long time now. The only hitch was, that it was never termed as No-Frills per se.

May it be modern private banks that emphasize on the use of ATMs, Internet Banking or Cheque Drop boxes vis a vis the traditional methods of retail banking; or may it be the Indian Railways that have now started the Garib Rath (Rajdhani level comfort at Paschim level cost) as well as introducing of e-tickets or kiosks; or may it be the traditionally existing Guest Houses or Youth Hostels that provide the bare minimum comforts of a shelter minus of a porter/room service/travel desk/etc; or may it be the booking of online tickets for an early morning show which does not have any attendants or food counter – just a plain simple movie; or may it be the booking of hotels online. The Indian airline sector has maybe just adapted to the No Frills phenomenon, but the concept is seen to be trying to creep into the Indian service sector since a long time now. One may call it automation or modernization, but the fast is it is a more convenient service offered to the cost conscious Indian consumer on a decorated platter.

As I am a graduate in Hospitality, I would like to comment on this topic from the Hotels Point of view. Come travel time and India's middle class faces a problem that's as typical as it is common: finding hotel accommodation that's safe, clean, comfortable, and most importantly, affordable. More often than not, they have to compromise on one parameter or the other. We have all heard of the Indian Hotels Company (Taj Group) have launched their FIRST No Frills Hotel – IndiOne. IndiOne is positioned to meet the need for what it terms 'smart basics' accommodation. Targeted at budget travellers and tourists, indiOne offers an innovative hospitality model where the emphasis is on delivering quality hotel rooms at low cost.

I think this concept will just rock in India, imagine middle income group professionals like us, low budget travelers, pilgrims, backpackers, all asking for affordability, hygiene and safety on the one hand, and informality, stylishness, warmth and modern amenities on the other. I mean just book a room on the net, go to the hotel lobby and swipe the same card in a vending machine that prints out your gate pass and electronic-key, just go the room carrying your own luggage, no porters, no reception, no room service, just plain simple ROOM’s. Where security issues like entry registers and identity is concerned, that can always be traced from the credit card details (name/address/age/gender). I do not know how many of you fancy this idea, but I think it will surely be a new way of automation of your SERVICE EXPECTATIONS taking the Indian service industry to new echelons of success at the same time providing consumers like you and me a completely satisfying product.

ANY INPUTS ON THE SAME OR ANY OTHER INDUSTRY?

The Great Indian Retail Story - Differentiation !!

Retail is one benchmark sector growing at a second fastest rate after the IT industry in the last couple of years. Retail is the new sunrise sector being recognized by Indian corporate bigwigs and entrepreneurs alike as the best investment to give promised returns on a much higher scale vis-à-vis the other conventional modes of investments. The Retail industry in India has been growing at a Compounded Average Growth rate of 46.64% in the last 3 years. It is slated to grow at a CAGR of 40% in the next few years. The astounding growth has attracted everyone from multibillionaire Giants like the Future Group, Mukesh Ambani Group, Bharti group and TATA’s to the medium size ventures like RPG’s Spencer, Aditya Birla Group or SPINACH group of hypermarts making them jump on the fast moving retail wagon. The Indian Retail industry is about 2% of the worlds organized retail market which is valued at around USD 25 Billion. Retail has an expected growth rate forecasted at a whopping 25% every year which makes it one of the most promising industries in the ever growing Indian economy. India is said to cross the USD 21.5 Billion mark by the year 2010.

This rapidly growing retail sector has made entrepreneurs pump in money make investments haphazardly without any proper planning or focused business outlook, this is forever true in terms of medium size retailers like Subhiksha who just rapidly expand in metro cities after setting up shop without realizing the potential demand or forecasted supply chain requirements specially in cities like Mumbai which have grown along the length and not on the sides. Unavailability of basic FMCG at Subhiksha stores last month in Mumbai shows the growing need for retailers to consolidate their expertise and grow with focused planning and implementation. The haphazard growth has cost retailers to skip many vital learning curves in the product life cycle of the retail sector costing them more than just opportunity cost of operations with valuable experience in running a retail operation in the unexpected and diverse consumer markets of India’s nook and corners. There are certain cities like Pune and Gurgaon which have more than 3-4 outlets in a given area of 5 square kilometers which has continuously increased the choice of shopping destinations for target customers not only from that area but also from nearby areas. With an increasing growth rate of the sector per se as well as increasing choice, there is a huge demand driving the reins of the retail sector these days – DIFFERENTIATION!! A need to differentiate has made the retailers to constantly find newer avenues for making themselves more visible to customers so that they stand out among the crowd and attract a sizeable amount of the potential targeted customers.

Keeping the above mentioned aspect in mind, my FIRST TOPIC is on researching LAYOUT STRATEGIES currently employed by retailers as a means of differentiation. When consumers have a humongous choice, the Layout Grids of a given Hyper Mart plays an important role in converting walk-in customers into impulse buyers, managing the customer traffic on busy days and thus increasing the profit potential per footfall of the store. A Layout Strategy would include everything right from product placement / display, planning of corridors and design of grids so as to provide maximum visibility for all nooks and corners of the store. Layout Design would play an important role in impulse buying decisions as well as traffic flow of a store (the flow should be in such a way that customers walking in should pass out of the exit after having seen all products displayed in the store).

Anticipating such significant importance of Layout Strategies for current and future retail developments, there is an urgent need (among other needs); to concentrate and apply a push towards existing LAYOUT STRATEGIES employed by retailers.

YOUR INPUTS PLEASE !!

(SOURCE: My MBA Final Year Dissertation Report: for those interested in a full copy of the Research, post your email IDs)

LoVe AcTuAlly - 2

It’s weird to see how people define love, as I am myself in a complete dilemma about this acronym called LOVE!! I happened to read a blog the other day which mentioned a boy doing certain things for a girl and the author asking whether this is true love?? The blog goes something like this:

“I have seen people around me who are in love. I just wanted to share small incidences which I had seen in these days. A boy and a girl fall in love with each other. One wonderful evening a girl praised a moon. And she said to boy I want this moon. A boy did not say anything just kept quiet. Next day he gave her surprised by putting Radium Stickers on the roof of the room which reflects light. She could find her smiling moon on her room’s roof. Isn’t it love? A girl was working late night since morning she did not eat anything. A boy came to know and 5 am in the winter morning he was in front of her office to take her home back. On the way he gave her some food keeping in mind that she did not eat properly. Isn’t it love? A boy was not serious about his studies but a girl saw a Physics book in his hand. Isn’t it love? One day she was hungry. In spite of his tiredness a boy went his home and cooked food for her. He is around her just to see her happiness. Isn’t it love?” – (excerpts from ‘Love is a wonderful feeling… Isn’t it?’ By Savita Munde)

In all it sounds like a very realistic phenomenon and I am sure the author has either gone through this herself or has seen one of her best friends or roommates or siblings going through this. It sounds like a genuinely true love story where two committed souls who are deeply in love with each other are doing things to express their so called LOVE to each other. With my own experience of this immortal and heavenly phenomenon, I somehow have a different angle towards this declaration pronounced as LOVE. Though I would agree all this would come under the super subset of love, I still think they are individual pretexts of a LOVE relationship in its initial stages of the PLC J

I have seen guys go beyond their usual routines to show there care, impress their better halves by things they never even thought they would do; but the only problem I have noticing this so called love occurrence is that it surprisingly follows a PLC (product life cycle).

When the LOVE is in the Introduction stage, both do a lot for each other; especially the guy who goes out of the way to do things to astound upon his dame with his feelings towards her. This is the phase where the guy actually does all the above mentioned things like going that extra mile for your girl and doing all the possible things in the world for her, getting her the most expensive gifts possible and so on and so forth.

Then the love goes on to the Growth stage where friends and parents are brought in loop and the golden couple gets married to live happily ever after. The probability of getting flower’s when they meet, the gulping down of anger when either of them is late, the likelihood of receiving surprise gifts, the possibility of a wide smile on either of their faces everytime they face each other, the odds of getting treated like a prince or princess – all seem to come down in terms of YoY growth rate J

Post marriage comes the Maturity stage where the couple is endowed with a greater responsibility of running a family; managing their house, upbringing of their children, managing the family expenses, etcetera etcetera. The probability of fights and arguments drastically goes up in this stage of the PLC. If the couple is in a joint family with the bride being a housewife, the sandwich situation of the bride between the mum-in-law and her husband immensely increases the odds of post marital distress. (Dear readers, show me one situation at this stage where the 35 yr old man will put radium stickers on the roof of his dames room, or picking her up in the wee hours of the morning – out of love and not out of routine, or cooking for her) Not that I am trying to suppress anybody’s notion towards love, I am merely putting forth my observations (prove me wrong with strong numbers, not with exceptional cases of 1 in a 100).

Now comes the worst part - the DECLINE stage. Here both the members of the ‘once so golden couple’ are now at the apex of their individual career lives. There is no time for each other than the usual greetings at breakfast and dinner – discussions about their child’s studies and career, discussions about pending EMIs and loans and investments, discussing about buying a new house, bla bla bla .. The only occasional tint of romance is when the children surprise their parents with a surprise celebration on their wedding anniversary.

So much said and done, there is a surprising stage at the end of the PLC. Once the parents are retired and sent in some distant flat or old age home by their children, the love seems to come back. This is the product Revival stage. Once the couple is post their 60’s and have past through all their material desires and when such desires seem unimportant in life, the love resurfaces. Both of them have enough time for each other, sitting hand in hand in the same garden where they once used to sit as a young couple. Remembering those times when the boy put radium stickers on her ceiling when she asked for the moon and the times when he occasionally tired his hand at cooking to impress her (but failed miserably). Cribbing about their children who don’t care about them anymore and are busy in their own material lives, walking down the memory lane of their age old love, confessing about times when they had a crush on their respective colleagues/secretaries/boss during the course of their career, and on and on.

However surprising it may sound, we all know this is the bitter fact of life. I may not be a self proclaimed love guru of sorts, but of all the stints that I have been through I have surely realized one thing, CHANGE is the only constant variable when it comes to the Equation of LOVE.

I would like to end my bhashan with a small tagline I read the other day on somebody’s Gtalk – TRUELOVE has 8 letters, so does BULLSHIT !!