WhaT mAKes MoNa LiSa SMiLe?

(Excerpts and style of writing adapted from ROHANs blog on blogspot.com. Rohan you ROCK !!)

The other day I was just leaving my Tidel Park office and bumped in to a stylishly dressed foreigner lady. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: “Ahoy, watch your stride gurly; u could have just crushed me there?”

Lady: “Buzzer Off looser!!”

ME: (Staring in her face) “I think I have seen you somewhere?”

Lady: “Yeaa, Whatever” (disgruntled)

Me: “No I am serious. (With a startled look) Ohh wait a minute, aren’t you Alanis Morisette?”

Lady: “Alanis Who?” (Looking with contempt)

Me: “Alanis Morissette DUH….. The gr8 Singer, songwriter, actress, record producer??”

Lady: (Completely irritated now) “Look buddy, I don’t give a horse’s s#*$ if I look like some Neolithic singer, I am MONA LISA”

Me: (staring silently in disbelief – silence for the first time in 24 years of my worthless life, it had never stopped since the time that sexy nurse patted me on my back to start breathing).

Lady: “If you are done with your contemptuous blabbering, can I take your leave?”

Me: (Still staring in disbelief) “You mean The Mona Lisa of the Da Vinci Fame? What in GODs name are you doing here?”

Lady: “Are you always so thick?” (Incensed)

Me: “Naa I am thin and athletic?” (Coolly)

Lady: “No you dumbass, I mean are you always so questionable and irritating to every stranger you meet?”

Me: “Don’t know? But my gal keeps saying the same thing…… Am I?”

Lady: “No wonder!!”

Me: “What?”

Lady: “Ohhh,, Never mind !!”

Me: “So what are you doing here, aren’t you supposed to be like dead centuries back?”

Lady: “Ohh I keep descending to earth from the heavens every now and then!! Take a week off or so from my political career up there and chill out on earth!!”

Me: (Mouth wide open, so wide that Michael Phelp could do multiple summersaults and dive in it winning the best swimmer accolade all over again) “Political Career?? Up in the heavens?”

Lady: “Ohh well yea, I was designated a GODDESS few days back. Where do you think all these gods n goddesses come from? These are just souls of erstwhile human’s ascended upto the heavens and later show good PR around the place (winks). Are you getting my drift?”

Me: “Ohh you mean like the CR of the class? Yea Yea, we used to do the same in our B-School too!!”

Lady: “You pervert moron, is that the only level to which you can relate GODs supreme court. Forgive him lord for he has sinned (starts blabbering some hymns)

Me: “Ohh never mind all that, I have a Business Class reservation to HELL, have tried wiping my sins in the holy Ganges, never worked tho ;)” (Blushing like a 12 yr old guy in love for the first time). “So there are Goddesses along with GODs too (winking)? I thought the Catholic Church was quite a male dominated society?

Lady: “Yes you mortal fool, times have changed. If the likes of Indra Nooyi (PepsiCo) and Kiran Muzumdar (Biocon) can lead corporate strides, than why can’t we have goddesses in heavens? It’s called the equality of the gender you Chauvinist creep!!”

Me: “Ahh well ok. So if there really is a GOD and a GODs court as you name it, then why all the miseries on Earth?”

Lady: (Furiously yelling now) “Have you ever heard of Yin and Yang, positive and negative? There has to be a balance. Moreover you think we can keep accommodating new souls and catch up with the human fatality index? What we do is recycling and reuse. People who have sinned or done well in their past lives are given bad and good lives respectively in their rebirth!!”

Me: “On that explains the latest Om Shanti Om flop (winking again), where you guys involved in delivering such a psychotically pricking topic causing us mortals gastric uneasiness accompanied with a nauseatic feel for upto a week post watching that movie?”

Lady: “Yes we did, haven’t you heard of SIGNS, we keep dropping such hints time and again to make people keep their faith in GOD and his miracles”

Me: (Bored with the entire spiritual hullabaloo). “Ah well ok…. So what brings you to Chennai?”

Lady: “Ahh that, well I heard this Saravanas and Pothys have some amazing Indian ethnic wear stuff!!”

Me: (Staring at her from head to toe, from her Gucci jacket to her D&G Skirt) “But aren’t you supposed to be dressed like a goddess?” (Gosh Girls I tell you, won’t stop shopping even after their death)

Lady: “You insensible pervert, if the Devil WEARs a PRADA, why cannot a goddess wear a Gucci?”

Me: (Mouth wide open again, this time for so long that 2 flies enter and come out after their sabbatical honeymoon with their grandchildren)

Lady: “Dude I really need to take your leave now, have a lot of shopping to do before I get back and start promoting for my latest electoral campaigns. We are planning to raise the latest BUSH is an antichrist issue (http://www.bushisantichrist.com/) which is our only way to topple the present party in power. The destruction that he has brought upon you mortals is worth more than your simply battling your eyelids after watching a Bush related news item. Trust me bro, Judgment Day will be unleashed upon Earth soon if that Satan isn’t pulled out of power. We have to stop this Blasphemy!!”

Me: “Hey Mona, my vote anyways won’t count for your campaign, so save ur breath for your electoral debut!!”

“Waise Mona Darling, what plans for the night, Aati kya khandala (winking again)?” (yea yea,, that’s so typical of me, being in the socially unexciting IT field, to start asking out any gal who talks to me for more than 5 mins and leads me to think that she’s interested in moi)

Lady: “Sorry Buddy, dating a mortal will affect my repute in my campaign, now onwards I date only GODs. Waise you are cute too (winks for the first time, mera dil pura paani paani ho jata hai), wish I had bumped into you when I was just a GHOST!!” (Now that certainly stimulates my male hormones, dating a GHOST, wow man,, that’s something I am yet to try. I start imagining a family with cross bred kids between human and ghosts, just like Ali in Dhoom)

Me: “ok… just one last question before you leave Mona Darling. What made you smile in Leonardo’s Portrait?”

Lady: (starts giggling and blushing like a 20 yr old). “Well that really was a well kept secret till I was alive. If you notice, I am wearing a maternity gown in that pic, I was actually pregnant during those days (blushes again).

Me: “What you saying, I heard you were a perfect pictured Virgin of those days. And pregnant with whose child.. Ohh now don’t tell me it was Leonardo, I very well remember reading he was a GAY!!”

Lady : (Giggling again) .. “Well Leo was indeed a bisexual and not a GAY per se as churches referred to homosexuality as blasphemous and he was quite the Pope’s favorite. He actually thought that I had conceived from him and was hence dedicating that portrait to me and swore on GOD that he would make it a world famous painting. GOD took it so personally that inspite of its worthless character and no-meaning looks, it really became a world famous painting.”

Me: Ahh ok,, that does sound farfetched, but my question was What Made you Smile?

Lady: “Well I was smirking because I and only I knew that the child was Dan Brown’s who was a petty peasant back then and not Da Vinci’s. It was one of the best kept secrets, more secretly kept than the Holy Grail story mentioned in Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code which he wrote in his Re-Birth.”

Me: (mouth wide open again, this time so wide that I can fit an entire rat colony from Chennai in it)

Lady: “Ok bye sweetheart, hope to see u in heaven sometime” (winked and jus flew upwards towards the Great Light shining from the SKY)

Me: “In your dreams you immortal goddess!!” (Was the last line I said and continued by stride singing just a girl in a wolf suit by Alanis Morisette) `

Just then my alarm bell starts ringing with its Choli Ke Peeche kya hai tune… (Yea that’s the only song that can wake a kumbhakaran like me and make me leap out of my bed. Sorry to be so candid ladies, but GOD did biologically design us with an excessive level of Testosterone. So stop giving us adjectives like DOGs and PIGs)

p.s : (For the uninitiated, Dan Brown is the author of the book DA VINCI CODE which is a fictional story about Christ’s real story and it does mention that Leonardo Da Vinci was a Gay!! So no hard feelings towards anyone; and if someone indeed found this post offensive, they can kiss my A@# ;)!!