My FiGHt WiTh HaiRLoSs !!

Advancing towards my late 20’s, my herd of metro sexual brethren seems to be going through a challenging new phase: Hair Loss. Though this particular phenomenon might not exactly occur around the same age frame for all men, it surely is making our sweat glands excrete tiny drops of salty sweaty water on exactly the area where we losing the most.

As always, forming a part of these very much mortal individuals, I too started going through this painfully agonizing phase of watching my hair fall all over my body in truck loads, post every shower or at every single time I brushed my fingers through my “ohh so soft’ hair :). This inauspicious occurrence started suddenly when I shifted back to Mumbai after a year long stint in Hyd and Chn. I could suddenly see my entire bed and pillow cover being covered with zillions of hair strands spread all over, like roses on a honeymoon bed (what a cliché). I couldn’t stop thinking if my scalp had recently become jinxed under some black magic spell by one of my ex’s OR by some cupid zealot who was head over heels with my current gf.

Putting my ominous thought process at bay, I decided to try some new ground by using the facilities of one of the various trichologist advertisements that you see across the newspaper dailies. Going through a couple of ads of Kaya, Richfeel and Dr Batras, I thought I should put my googling skills to good use by checking reviews on these famous hair planters. Just a few reviews down and I was dead sure I could definitely not invest that amount of risk or money to stop something that will evidently fall off with age anyways. Then came a suggestion from one of my close friends, if visiting this famous beautician in townside – who treated most of today’s model for face and scalp maintenance treatments – . The cost she said was about 500 per sitting,with guess what, shock therapy which was definitely less than the others and so I thought was worth trying.

So on I went one fine day, leaving early from work and marching towards this new hope filled with chastity. Her clinic or parlor or spa or whatever it was called, was way far from office and hence I had to leave by around 4pm that evening. Reaching the mentioned address, I was standing in front of this huge furniture shop. Trust me, but I was literally scared at the idea of a beautician operating from within a furniture shop. A few calls and I learnt that this small shop was at the backside of the showroom, so I started walking towards it. Half way through and I saw a beautifully carved woman walking towards me, with a green monster mask on her face – chatting on her cellphone with a ramp model walk. A closer look revealed that it was not a Halloween mask but some kind of a face pack. I could see 3-4 such species around the entrance door with different colored masks glued to their invisible faces – somehow it reminded me of the hollow man, lol. ‘Ding dong’, was the sound when I clicked on the doorbell of this shop. An assistant opened the door of a room which looked like some hell hole filled with male and female creatures with an assortment of different colored facepacks and hairpacks spread around the room – all glaring at me as if it was a live show of “the close encounters of the 3rd kind”.
My friend too was one of them (whom I obviously couldn’t recognize – courtesy: her yellow colored facemask). She came upto me and said ‘Hi’ and I was almost going to shriek looking at that face. Luckily I could make out who she was by her voice. She took me in and introduced me to this gawky looking skinny and extra fair creature, ohh sorry, owner of the clinic. She gave one look at me and said with her townie accent: “Don’t worry baby, we will make it all grow back in a quarter”. I mumbled “ok, whatever!!” and came out and sat along the lesser frightening balding individuals. My turn came after almost an hour and I sat on the hot seat finally. She went through my hair, looking at my scalp like a chimpanzee hunting for lice in another ones head. After a 5 minute checkup, she said she will do her best but I have to give her time atleast twice a week, for 3 months. I started calculating the actual cost & opportunity cost like a true MBA, and checking if I can leave at 4 twice a week. I half heartedly said yes and started my treatment.
The treatment indeed included high frequency shocks given to the scalp by some small machine, followed by 2 lotions and 1 oil plastered on ur scalp making you look like some 2nd standard kid with oil flowing from your hair and side partitioned. I religiously followed this routine for about 3-5 weeks when I started noticing that my hair instead of growing was falling like never before making me almost semi bald form the top (I initially thought that it will show effects only from the 2nd month, as she said, but in vain). During my 4th week I started seeing more baldies coming to her for treatment, and some who had been coming to her for almost a year and still looking bald. After about 10 sittings, and 40% more hair loss, I decided to dive out and walk away from her treatment.

So after washing my hands off about Rs5000 and losing more hair then I ever lost before, I did learn my lesson. Never try and fight nature, it will always counter react ;) But nevertheless, I did utilize my time at the spa more efficiently than my money – making friends with as many female models as I could. So now that I am used to leaving office by 4 twice a week, I use that time more intelligently in Coffea shops with these chicks rather that that gangling Doc (they like baldies u know :P)

Boys, if you want a list with their phone numbers, do drop your personal email IDs in the comments tab ;) …..

The Friendly neighborhood RiCKshaW-MAN

Working in an internal consulting/support role in Satyam has its own benefits; you get to roam across the length and breadth of cities in which Satyam has its offices. As like my beloved brethren and peers, I too fall under the highly acclaimed level of Band S2, which allows me free train travel by AC – 2 Tier class and offcourse AUTO RICKSHAW reimbursements [which is a boon for destitute and needy people like me who come from genuinely poor backgrounds - where one travels only by AIR for intercity travels and by an AC car for intra-city travels :) ]
So let me pen down today, my experiences of Auto Driver’s, from different vocations and regions – across different metros in India.

Hyderabad Auto drivers
Gender: Male
Age: Extreme – either young or towards the elder side – hardly any middle aged men
Drunk: Almost all the time.
Meter: Depends on driver’s mood
This particular breed is the most peculiar of all others that I have personally analyzed. They will turn the meter on almost always as per their mood. The fixed fares from Station or Airport are always atleast 1.5times the usual meter fare. In the city areas like begumpet, tankbund, old Hyderabad, punjgutta,etc ; you will invariably find autos in the day taking you around on meter (however rigged they might). Best part is, even if they ask for fixed rates – they seem pretty reasonable depending on areas (like hitech, from where getting a return fare is difficult depending on the time of the day). Worst part is more than 90% of them will be floating till their eyebrows in Desi Liquor and still riding at their best in the peak hour traffic. Abusing fellow drivers and pedestrians on the road is a very special and inborn characteristic observed in these species.
Common Dialogues:
-Aaj kal kitna traffic ho gaya saab hyderbad maai, city ka ekdumich waat lag gaya..
-Abey aye (to a fellow driver), kya ch*#@ya panti chala raha hai, side mein honkein chalale – dusru ko aage jaane de na miya..

Chennai Auto Drivers
Gender: Male
Age: Mostly Middle aged (all seasoned bastards)
Drunk: Sometimes
Meter: Meter – what’s that?
The worst breed of auto drivers I have ever come across is in the southern metropolis of Chennai. Being such a huge city with magnificent roads (atleast the main roads) and a good public transport system and excellent law and order control – I still cannot fathom how come the state has not pulled the reigns of the auto-rascala’s of this city. Service industries worldwide are known for their customer oriented approach, but this line of public transport in Chennai is well known only for harassing the commuters at any time of the day (god save you if its night time). Worst part is they don’t just harass the non tamil speaking newcomers to the city, they don’t even leave the locals at peace. These lungi clad, stubble displaying, beetle teethed buggers – will charge you atleast Rs.30-40 for a distance of not even a kilometer. If it’s more than 5 kms, than the fare will simply depend on their mood with excuses ranging from climate, day time, traffic woes, night time and the list just never ends. Everytime you stop a rickshaw here, the man will immediately come next to you, you tell him your destination and he will wag his head like a laughing Buddha statue head, and then comes your turn to ask him for the fare. The price will directly be proportionate to factors like your ability to speak Tamil, skin color, clothes you wear, what building you have come out of,etc. and the best part is – if you ask them if they know hindi – they will almost readily answer back witht heir scripted reply : “Hindi nahi aata Sir”
Common Dialogues:
- What Sir, night time Sir, so much traffic Sir, only Rs 250 Sir (8kms), not much Sir..
- What Sir, morning time sir, Traffic time sir
- What sir, afternoon time sir, no return fare sir.
- What Sir, Rains sir, bad roads Sir.

Bangalore Auto drivers
Gender: Male (I have read in papers that they do have women drivers here)
Age: Between Young and Middle Aged
Drunk: Never
Meter: Yes, but 1.5 times

Though my association with this breed is quite less as compared to the ones mentioned above, I have had a brief experience with them so much as to comment or ridicule on my lovely rendezvous times with this breed as well. The few times that I have encountered them, one things has always been on a priority list of their demands – the fare that we pay will always be 1.5 times the meter amount; especially during peak hours and for distances less than 10kms. Apart from this apartheid, everything else about the auto fraternity in Bengaluru seems acceptable. You offcourse do come across a few exceptions who would be drunk or abusive or masked cheaters of the worse kind, but then that’s a national generalization found almost in every humanized part of the country.

Common Dialogues:
- Agar 1.5 times dega toh HAUDU warna ELLA J

Pune Auto drivers
Gender: Male
Age: Middle Aged
Drunk: Maybe around midnight, never seen one personally though.
Meter: Most of the times

The best thing I like about Maharashtra is that in both the big cities of Mumbai and Pune, off all the fucked up rules and regulations and bad roads and corrupt officials and MNS and poor infrastructure, atleast the METER Rules for auto’s is very religiously followed (atleast in all main city areas). Pune does have a lot of rigged meters around the city, but you may never be asked to pay more than the meter amount (unless if you are going away from the city or after 11pm). Most of these guys do engage in small talk, especially if you can speak the local language. But beware if you cannot speak Marathi, as they hate the sight of all outsiders – cursing their very presence, inspite of the fact that they are now earning a decent living just because of these outsiders.

Common Dialogues:
- Traffic kitna badh gayela hai (common dialogue across states, age , bar , gender , language)
- Kya bolneka saab, pehle ekdam lavkar pohochneka, abhi khup late hotay.
- Who paper main aayela tha na,, who chota baccha swimming pool mein Dhad kan padya ani phad kan budya (best Hindi I have ever heard, after the bihari version offcourseJ)

Mumbai Auto drivers
Gender: Male (I have read in papers that they do have women drivers here)
Age: Across age groups
Drunk: Never ever
Meter: ALWAYS

The last but not the least, is the Bambaiyya driver. Chewing on his beetle leaf and tapping his feet over the treble throbbing Himesh Reshamiya number playing on his locally re-engineered stereo; he will drive like a direct descendent straight from Michael Schumacher’s stable. Sleek as their rides are, you will see them squeezing through and zig-zagging via any smallest gaps that an eye can find even in a crowded road with a traffic standstill. The only menace they cause will be to a heart patient who cannot cope up with their belligerent speeds and to the other car/truck/bus/bike drivers on the road. But the meter part will not make any sense if you are taking an auto from the airport, for then you will be asked to cough up the luggage money (even if you are carrying just a handbag or cabin bags). That would range anywhere from Rs.20 till Rs.100, depending on your bargaining power.

Common Dialogues:
- No dialogues, only Himesh Reshamiyya songs.

This would be almost all the auto riders in cities that I have covered being in Satyam. Apart from these main ones, one can obviously also mention the smooth meter driven CNG autos from Ahmedabad, or the abusive and cheating auto drivers of Delhi / UP, or the non meter focused drivers of Nagpur; and how can I forget – the tuk tuk drivers in almost all interior cities in India.

Wherever you go, the Bajaj monopoly AutoRickshaw models might remain the same – but the riders breed will vary from city to city – affixed to an USP related to the city of his origin.
Bon Jour !!

Singur A La Rex !!

So the other day I was just walking down the lanes of Kolkatta, and there I see horde of 278643 murgis crossing the road, lead by a squint eyed Nepali looking murgi. Less outraged and more amused by the fiasco, I decided to ask fellow pedestrians on who this Nepali chick was. I was told she is Mamata Murgi, the leader of opposition of the WB state govt trying to sabotage a huge auto plant that’s coming up in nearby Singur. Upto my usual antics, I decided to interview this Mamata Murgi (henceforth referred to as MM unless specified otherwise). Here is how our conversation went:

Me: Wasaap MM, where you headed?
MM: (shouting in a nasal voice) Watch out you westerner clothed nincompoop, we are leftists – we do not speak to people of your origins.
Me: Ahh well, but this is a Kurta on jeans??
MM: Well, I was just putting forth my point, opposition ke hai na :)
Me: Ohh like that, so whats going on? Where the entourage headed?
MM: (back to her fiery nasal voice) I am Mamata Murgi and I am the leader of opposition of the TCP – Trinamool Chickens Party. We are going to Singur to appeal to the nation to stop this atrocity against poor farmers.
Me: Ohh, by we you mean this entire poultry farm of 278643 murgis?
MM (Surprised): wow, how did u manage to know our exact strength?
Me: I have excellent eye brain coordination you see; I have an IQ of…..
MM: (cut me off midway) Ya whatever, I have to go and do more important things now, rather than listening to your self-acclaimed qualities you punk. We are going to give justice to the farmers of Singur.
Me: (getting back to my interview posture) Well correct me if I am wrong, but hasn’t the state govt already given justice to the landowners by paying about 8 lacs for non irrigated and 13 lacs for irrigated farms? And I heard about 80 % of the owners are satisfied with this package, apart from few landlords who are under your payroll as well as a bunch of illiterate farm laborers?
MM: Ahh .. wEll … ummmmmmmm… (After pausing for about some 343 years) You still don’t get the point my lad, the govt has snatched the land from the desolate poor farmers?
Me: ohh you mean the erstwhile poor farmers, cos by now they are all mini lakhpatis for sure as no1 owned anything less than 5 acres. Plus now that the monolith plant is here, there are hundreds of ancillary units and indirect employment on the way for the farmers and their kin – who I have heard are getting reservations in these jobs. So isn’t it a sone pe suhaga offer, get cash for your land and plus steady jobs?
MM: Ahh,,, well .. ummmm (this time pausing for only 3 years) No but you don’t get the picture comrade. Tata got free land, Tata got free water, Tata got free tax, Tata got free license, Tata got everything free at the cost of the poor farmers who LOST their land?
Me: If one gets paid 3 times worth for something they lose, how have they technically LOST it? Wouldn’t it be voluntary selling? And forget the subsidies that TATA has got, wouldn’t this be one of the biggest manufacturing facilities in the country launching a globally awaited vehicle which will soon fill your state coffers by indirect tax and generate millions of employment opportunities?
MM: Ahh.. well.. ummmmm (without a break). No but the poor farmer is losing his land and we as the members of opposition will OPPOSE the state governments move to vacate farm owners, it’s our fundamental right to oppose.
Me: (Bi*#@….. no wonder others are withdrawing from WB too). So just for endorsing your right to oppose and to get political mileage for your party, you are uprooting one of the best opportunities that the people of WB are about to get and loot them of their one chance at progress?
MM: No no, I will fight for the farmer and make the govt fall and then get elected and work for the benefits of WB people.
Me: And how will you do that, the same way you manhandled your position as a Railway Minister in 2000?
MM: No no, that was a learning experience. I will become chief minister and open employment opportunities by welcoming corporate to open plants and give them subsidies to invest more in our homeland so that we become a rich and prosperous state.
Me: (Mouth wide open),,, So why are you opposing now? Isn’t this the aim of the current state govt too?
MM: no no, it is by THEM, not by US. We are the members of opposition and it is our fundamental right to oppose and we will help the lakhpati farmers,, ooops, I meant poor farmers to bring them out of their desolate condition and elevate their prosperity and………

BANG BANG

Tired of repeat telecast of scripted bhashans, Vishal pulls out a .32 and shoots Mamata Murgi splattering chicken brains all over the place. Seeing this, the 278643 murgis start chasing Vishal through the new highway developed for the Singur Plant. But apart from having good eye-brain coordination, Vishal is also an excellent athlete and hence sprints away from the crowd within a jiffy. Watching Vishal disappear, the leaderless chickens stop chasing and start following Murgi Mukherjee for his new campaign in Nandigram.

Reaching his room, Vishal forgets the fiasco and calls up buddies to join him for a beer with Chicken Starters at Hard Rock. Humming to “we don’t need no education” in the background, Vishal enjoys the sumptuous Poule-Ala-Rex.

p.s: No chicken was harmed in the writing of this blog. Although the author wanted to harm certain Bengali’s; But getting past the Z+ security was too much of a hassle.
For the uninitiated, Poule-Ala-Rex is a continental chicken dish.

Politics of Regionalism - The Sons of the Soil Campaign!!

Just a fortnight back, as a part of my 3 day countryside trip, I took my first pit stop in Pune. Feasting on the small and sweet meal made by my friend there, I heard upon a gory tale which happened to my friends roommates BF in Pune. This guy, hailing from north India, was studying MBA in one of the many edification institutions in this so called Oxford City of PUNE – a melting point of students from different cultures and backgrounds. About 2 days back from the day I visited, the guy in question had just dropped back his gf at her house and was biking it back to where he stayed at around 1am (I guess the usual time to finish a movie night at our age). Just nearby his house, he was stopped by a tiny mob of drunken locals. The first thing they asked him was where are you from? The guy, quite overpowered by the sheer size of the group, in utmost nobility uttered his origins. As soon as they heard about his Northern background, one person removed his bike key while the other pinned him down to the ground. They asked him if he has any money on him, all the while using derogatory remarks about his family and roots. They asked him if he could speak Marathi, for which he again replied in a negative. They kept poking and manhandling him and asking him to learn Marathi and speak in the native language. Outnumbered that he was, the guy fought back with words after a point where he could not stand humiliation spat against his family (including the worst possible swears on his sisters and mother). One of the guys simply picked up a huge rock (with both hands – so try and gauge the size of the stone) and hit the guy on his head a few times. Leaving the guy in a sticky pool of his own blood, they casually walked away as if a GAME OVER sign flashed on the video game they were just playing. The poor guy somehow lifted himself up and took a rick to the nearest hospital and crashed at the entrance.

Seeing him lying in his ICU bed today, still in an unconscious state, his parents are still appalled at the outrageous face of the Maharashtra “Marathi regionalism” politics. The boy did not even ever wantingly participate in Politics, nor had he ever chosen any sides of right or wrong, or displayed and inclinations or apathy towards any local political party. But he was still a part and victim of the new “Sons of the Soil” campaign started by a desperately novice politician. Is this the wholesome picture you painted Mr. Raj – a massacre of innocent students at the hands of locals, who motivated by your fiery speeches about “Marathi Manoos”, taking law and order and justice in their own drunken hands?

Being a Marathi manoos myself, I simply cannot comprehend the motive behind your ramleela gimmicks. I remember your uncle retorting to similar tactics with his lungi hatao pungi bajao andolan against the south Indians in the 1960’s. That decade’s old campaign had still certain characteristics to it, as all the businesses in the state capital were controlled by gujrathis/marwaris and all white collar jobs by South Indians. The locals welcomed your uncle’s efforts to secure jobs in banks and PSU’s as a fight for survival agitation. But what is the exact motive of your stunts Sir? What do you intend to do by forcing the entire labor class out of the financial capital and the most industrialized state in India? Are your brethren and party activists ready to accept jobs currently being run by these so called UP bhaiyya’s and biharis? Will a Marathi man in his utmost sense of dignity ever drive a taxi or run auto rickshaws in numbers that the north Indians runs them in Mumbai today? Are locals ready to accept linemen jobs in mtnl, make and sell chat on roads, take up worker and laborer jobs in construction sites and state wide MIDC’s and industrial units? Are you aware that just a single EXODUS caused by your campaign led to fleeing of about 25k laborers from Pune and 15k from Nasik? The state had a loss of 500-700 crores with this loss of laborers, the construction for 2008 commonwealth stadium was on a standstill, industries in Nasik and Pune were at a standstill, and all this do you think was for the benefit of the state? Running with a torch of Marathi culture, your party activists were reported forcing premium convent school principals to admit their respective wards in these ENGLISH speaking schools (funniest incident of them all). Why are you and your party activists shy of taking admission in Marathi medium schools while running a statewide Marathi propaganda? Moreover, I seriously doubt your attendance in whichever school you have studied at during your education (assuming the fact that you studied at all), as I was specifically taught in my school that "India is not an association or confederation of states, it is a union of state and there is only one nationality that is Indian. Hence every Indian has a right to go anywhere in India, to settle anywhere, and work and do business of his choice in any part of India peacefully." And what are you creating the ruckus for, wasn’t your own father a student in Madhya Pradesh? I so badly pray that you are thrown back in time into your past and you and your family suffer the same treatment by Madhya Pradesh locals having a problem with your origins. Like every other person in Mumbai, din’t you Thackerays too came to Mumbai for jobs two generations ago? You absolutely have no right to assault those coming to the financial capital in search of livelihood. Please go back and read your grandfather Prabodhankar Thackeray’s autobiography which clearly mentions your fathers (Srikant Thackeray) and Bal Thackeray’s MP origins and school time days. He has clearly written about how he travelled to other states for livelihood. “This proves that the Thackerays, who are not original inhabitants of Mumbai, came to this city in search of a livelihood”, so then what in God’s name are you bragging about? Being a Maratha myself, I strongly object to your pathetically desperate tactics to gain media attention. I will be truly glad if the Election Commission bars your very entry in the elections for polluting national unity and causing nationwide disharmony on the basis of religion.

(On a lighter note) Thinking about this entire fiasco, my pea sized brain habituated with the fissure reactions caused by such topics, entered into yet another chemical altercation causing me intense stress and gastric complications one full night. With so many chemical momentums inside my frail physical frame of the brain, I was lost into a Jim Morrison style trance, in deep solitude dreaming of the entire situation 10 years down the line. I see a scene where the entire Mumbai metropolitan region is now devoid of its immigrants, the sons of the soil campaign has taken a very serious toll on the life in Mumbai and all the non Marathi speaking people have now been asked to leave the island city. Walking by the crowded marine drive pavement, I see men in dhotis and Nehru caps alongwith their navvari (nine yard saree) clad women, dirtying the already wasted pedestrian walkways. I see bullock carts running on the marine drive 6 lane road instead of the old Porsche cayenne’s, Maybach’s, SUVs and other luxury cars. There on a big wall I see a poster of LATE MNS Cheif, the founder of NAVNIRMAN MUMBAI – the new name for the Metro. As I pass by the poster, the chieftain winks at me from the poster and calls out to me. Here is how our conversation goes:
Poster: Hey you, Boy… Wasaap .. Kasa kay pahuna !!
Me: Huh… who , where , why , how ? (mouth wide open looking at a guy in the poster talking to me .. a mosquitoe comes and lays its eggs,, the new baby mosquitoes fly out and my mouth is still wide open)
Poster: I am talking to you re porga,, who else ?
Me: uhhhhhhh, how can a poster talk to me (mouth still open)
Poster: I am not a poster you fool, I am the Late R__j T________y . (for the uninitiated, kindly read between the lines)
Me: ohhh , when did you get late ? I mean become late? Ohhh sorry, ,I meant when did you achieve martyrdom (trying to use my words carefully so that I am not thrown out from the city)
Poster: Ahh that’s a long story,,, forget all that. You tell me – how do you like the new place? Beautiful isn’t it? (Grinning happily from ear to ear)
Me: (making a popeye face with the stench around me) Well I haven’t seen much of it somehow, I am just back after a 10 year sabbatical to the city. But tell me one thing, where are the clean pavements gone? And why are there only bullock carts on the road?
Poster: (looking here and there to check if anyone is hearing into our conversation) well my boy, don’t tell anyone. But what happened was that I initiated a very intense campaign and brought 100% reservations for Marathi manoos in Mumbai and then in Maharashtra. Slowly all industries closed down. All IT firms have shifted down south,, Automobile has gone to Gurgaon and Chennai , Stock Exchange has shifted to Ahmadabad , port has closed down and nothing is left but old memories of the financial capital (trying to look happy at the sound of it)
Me: Whaaaaaaaaaaat !! (mouth closed once was again open with another GASP – I never personally remember having that stoned speechless look on my face in the 25 years of my existence, apart from the last time when I met Mona Lisa). So what are people in Mumbai doing?
Poster: ohh they are back to farming, suburbs are now empty and people have shifted to the island city – which is sinking by the day, suburbs have been converted into farmlands and agriculture is the new occupation (grinning happily again from ear to ear)
Me: Agriculture is new? I thought it was old means of making money.
Poster: ohh no no, they don’t make money with it, that’s only to sustain your 1 time food requirement
Me: one time? (I don’t remember eating anything less that 5 meals a day since my nappy days, ya ya - you can call me the mini kumbhakaran of sorts ..)
Poster: (with a candid look, which reminded me of my MBA days where my fellow students desperately tried to make the professor believe in their presentations) ohh yes, they do not have enough food for having more than one meal a day; Rest of the day they spend in the farms.
Me: (mouth is still open , the mosquitoe family has by now quadrapled in numbers) but you still haven’t answered me where are the cars gone?
Poster: Arey vedya,,, 80% of pvt cars were owned by nonmarathi people, so they took it away with them. The remaining cars were either sold or burnt in riots caused by my supporters (I see a grim look on his face for the first time during this conversation). It started with shutting down of industries as the labor class went away. Then it started with shutting down of petrol pumps, restaurants, roadside stalls, vegetable bazaars, dhobi ghaat, everything just collapsed one by one. In a bid to save the culture, I have sacrifice the economy of Maharashtra. But look at the bright side, you can see Marathi sign boards everywhere, Marathi people everywhere, isn’t that a lovely sight?
Me: (getting very very very irritated, yes yes normaly i am a very peace loving person) Excuse me, by lovely sight are you referring to the dirty streets , the dung infested pot holed roads inhabited only by bullock and horse carts, dirty beaches filled with human filth and feaces?
Poster: ohh I forgot to mention, the cleaning class in Mumbai also disappeared as well as the laborers who mended the roads :)
Me: Ohh great, sone pe suhaga offer – mighty deed you have done Mr Marathi Hitler? You have led to a comfortable Balkanisation of the entire state under your watchful eye (feeling miserable about my existence in the city of stench). And where have the rich Marathi people disappeared?
Poster: ohh them?? Those gaddar buggers have all left the city and state to other states which offer them better avenues for business. All white collar idiots like you have also crossed state borders and are working for various companies in these other rich states offering them job opportunities. But they forgot how badly we had made the immigrants flee from the state, and now they are suffering atrocities at the hands of locals from the other states.
Me: (smiling for the first time during this conversation, with a closed mouth.. yeaa i swallowed the dam mosquito khandan) So you mean to say, the only Marathi people who were the last chance to build the Maharashtra economy have fled out due to your Sons of the Soil Campaign, and are now facing threats, manhandling and mayhem from the locals there all at your cost? The very culture and people you tried to uplift are now at the receiving end of the massacre you started and have no choice but to accept it as it is? The entire state is back to its civil war days of the British and is dirty like a garbage dump just because of your desperate requirement of votes and getting elected and media attention? The full country is reaping benefits of globalization and people here do not even have food to eat?
Poster: (finally confessing the truth) Why do you think I committed suicide? Now you know how I became the LATE MNS chief. I realized that the prank I started to remove the uttar bhartiya people from Maharashtra, as uddhav had started wooing them for voting towards shivsena, had turned completely upside down. I became blind with the media attention and power. Lalu was right when he quoted that I was very young at politics and just a novice. Now even after death, satan is not ready to accept me in hell – scared that I might try and play division politics even down there. Heaven ka toh chance hi nahi banta :( ... and I am stuck in this small poster ever since, singing only one song 24/7 – Jayee toh jayee kahaaaa :(.....
Me: (Gasping with surprise, burping out a few mosquito wings) Serves you right you moron. Don’t you find it ironic to humm hindi songs when you were dissenting the very people who spoke this language?
Poster: (seeming oblivious of my existence, he starts humming his song again) Jayee toh jayee kahaaaa….Jayee toh jayee kahaaaa….

I start Walking ahead on the pavement, and instantly hear a loud crack and a thundering sound of a lightning. I see a big ray of light striking the poster and the leaders soul being drifted towards the sea. I assume the fact that he pleaded to his sins has led to the mukti of his soul. God bless him !! (yeaa i do feel pity on dead people at times, what the heck)

“Lavkar utttth kartyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa , 9 vajlee” (get up u punk, its 9 am) – said my mom turning on all the lights in my room, making it look like the flash of light I just saw in my dream. I guess I had forgotten to put on my alarm the previous night in this entire thinking chaos (As thinking as an activity comes to me very very very rarely). God I need to rush to office now, my RM had just yesterday sent a mail to be in office dot by 9am and call him if there was even a 5 min delay. Looking upwards and praying to god, I called my RM:

Me: Sir,,,,, something came up last night and I could not get up on time and … I am really sorry.. but I will be late to office today !!
RM: ohhh, someone is seeing a lot of dreams are they? You better reach office by 10am or else you are on LOP today …. Hurrrrrrrrrrrrry up now !!

And thus ended my dream endowed night right below the shower, hurrying up to reach office on time, thanking god that IT still existed and what I had seen was just a dream. Looking at the shower panel, I started humming my fav song…. “Dhaga la lagli kala,, paani themb themb gala”… (the clouds got a pain, water is leaking drop by drop) …. :)

WhaT mAKes MoNa LiSa SMiLe?

(Excerpts and style of writing adapted from ROHANs blog on blogspot.com. Rohan you ROCK !!)

The other day I was just leaving my Tidel Park office and bumped in to a stylishly dressed foreigner lady. Our conversation went something like this:

Me: “Ahoy, watch your stride gurly; u could have just crushed me there?”

Lady: “Buzzer Off looser!!”

ME: (Staring in her face) “I think I have seen you somewhere?”

Lady: “Yeaa, Whatever” (disgruntled)

Me: “No I am serious. (With a startled look) Ohh wait a minute, aren’t you Alanis Morisette?”

Lady: “Alanis Who?” (Looking with contempt)

Me: “Alanis Morissette DUH….. The gr8 Singer, songwriter, actress, record producer??”

Lady: (Completely irritated now) “Look buddy, I don’t give a horse’s s#*$ if I look like some Neolithic singer, I am MONA LISA”

Me: (staring silently in disbelief – silence for the first time in 24 years of my worthless life, it had never stopped since the time that sexy nurse patted me on my back to start breathing).

Lady: “If you are done with your contemptuous blabbering, can I take your leave?”

Me: (Still staring in disbelief) “You mean The Mona Lisa of the Da Vinci Fame? What in GODs name are you doing here?”

Lady: “Are you always so thick?” (Incensed)

Me: “Naa I am thin and athletic?” (Coolly)

Lady: “No you dumbass, I mean are you always so questionable and irritating to every stranger you meet?”

Me: “Don’t know? But my gal keeps saying the same thing…… Am I?”

Lady: “No wonder!!”

Me: “What?”

Lady: “Ohhh,, Never mind !!”

Me: “So what are you doing here, aren’t you supposed to be like dead centuries back?”

Lady: “Ohh I keep descending to earth from the heavens every now and then!! Take a week off or so from my political career up there and chill out on earth!!”

Me: (Mouth wide open, so wide that Michael Phelp could do multiple summersaults and dive in it winning the best swimmer accolade all over again) “Political Career?? Up in the heavens?”

Lady: “Ohh well yea, I was designated a GODDESS few days back. Where do you think all these gods n goddesses come from? These are just souls of erstwhile human’s ascended upto the heavens and later show good PR around the place (winks). Are you getting my drift?”

Me: “Ohh you mean like the CR of the class? Yea Yea, we used to do the same in our B-School too!!”

Lady: “You pervert moron, is that the only level to which you can relate GODs supreme court. Forgive him lord for he has sinned (starts blabbering some hymns)

Me: “Ohh never mind all that, I have a Business Class reservation to HELL, have tried wiping my sins in the holy Ganges, never worked tho ;)” (Blushing like a 12 yr old guy in love for the first time). “So there are Goddesses along with GODs too (winking)? I thought the Catholic Church was quite a male dominated society?

Lady: “Yes you mortal fool, times have changed. If the likes of Indra Nooyi (PepsiCo) and Kiran Muzumdar (Biocon) can lead corporate strides, than why can’t we have goddesses in heavens? It’s called the equality of the gender you Chauvinist creep!!”

Me: “Ahh well ok. So if there really is a GOD and a GODs court as you name it, then why all the miseries on Earth?”

Lady: (Furiously yelling now) “Have you ever heard of Yin and Yang, positive and negative? There has to be a balance. Moreover you think we can keep accommodating new souls and catch up with the human fatality index? What we do is recycling and reuse. People who have sinned or done well in their past lives are given bad and good lives respectively in their rebirth!!”

Me: “On that explains the latest Om Shanti Om flop (winking again), where you guys involved in delivering such a psychotically pricking topic causing us mortals gastric uneasiness accompanied with a nauseatic feel for upto a week post watching that movie?”

Lady: “Yes we did, haven’t you heard of SIGNS, we keep dropping such hints time and again to make people keep their faith in GOD and his miracles”

Me: (Bored with the entire spiritual hullabaloo). “Ah well ok…. So what brings you to Chennai?”

Lady: “Ahh that, well I heard this Saravanas and Pothys have some amazing Indian ethnic wear stuff!!”

Me: (Staring at her from head to toe, from her Gucci jacket to her D&G Skirt) “But aren’t you supposed to be dressed like a goddess?” (Gosh Girls I tell you, won’t stop shopping even after their death)

Lady: “You insensible pervert, if the Devil WEARs a PRADA, why cannot a goddess wear a Gucci?”

Me: (Mouth wide open again, this time for so long that 2 flies enter and come out after their sabbatical honeymoon with their grandchildren)

Lady: “Dude I really need to take your leave now, have a lot of shopping to do before I get back and start promoting for my latest electoral campaigns. We are planning to raise the latest BUSH is an antichrist issue (http://www.bushisantichrist.com/) which is our only way to topple the present party in power. The destruction that he has brought upon you mortals is worth more than your simply battling your eyelids after watching a Bush related news item. Trust me bro, Judgment Day will be unleashed upon Earth soon if that Satan isn’t pulled out of power. We have to stop this Blasphemy!!”

Me: “Hey Mona, my vote anyways won’t count for your campaign, so save ur breath for your electoral debut!!”

“Waise Mona Darling, what plans for the night, Aati kya khandala (winking again)?” (yea yea,, that’s so typical of me, being in the socially unexciting IT field, to start asking out any gal who talks to me for more than 5 mins and leads me to think that she’s interested in moi)

Lady: “Sorry Buddy, dating a mortal will affect my repute in my campaign, now onwards I date only GODs. Waise you are cute too (winks for the first time, mera dil pura paani paani ho jata hai), wish I had bumped into you when I was just a GHOST!!” (Now that certainly stimulates my male hormones, dating a GHOST, wow man,, that’s something I am yet to try. I start imagining a family with cross bred kids between human and ghosts, just like Ali in Dhoom)

Me: “ok… just one last question before you leave Mona Darling. What made you smile in Leonardo’s Portrait?”

Lady: (starts giggling and blushing like a 20 yr old). “Well that really was a well kept secret till I was alive. If you notice, I am wearing a maternity gown in that pic, I was actually pregnant during those days (blushes again).

Me: “What you saying, I heard you were a perfect pictured Virgin of those days. And pregnant with whose child.. Ohh now don’t tell me it was Leonardo, I very well remember reading he was a GAY!!”

Lady : (Giggling again) .. “Well Leo was indeed a bisexual and not a GAY per se as churches referred to homosexuality as blasphemous and he was quite the Pope’s favorite. He actually thought that I had conceived from him and was hence dedicating that portrait to me and swore on GOD that he would make it a world famous painting. GOD took it so personally that inspite of its worthless character and no-meaning looks, it really became a world famous painting.”

Me: Ahh ok,, that does sound farfetched, but my question was What Made you Smile?

Lady: “Well I was smirking because I and only I knew that the child was Dan Brown’s who was a petty peasant back then and not Da Vinci’s. It was one of the best kept secrets, more secretly kept than the Holy Grail story mentioned in Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code which he wrote in his Re-Birth.”

Me: (mouth wide open again, this time so wide that I can fit an entire rat colony from Chennai in it)

Lady: “Ok bye sweetheart, hope to see u in heaven sometime” (winked and jus flew upwards towards the Great Light shining from the SKY)

Me: “In your dreams you immortal goddess!!” (Was the last line I said and continued by stride singing just a girl in a wolf suit by Alanis Morisette) `

Just then my alarm bell starts ringing with its Choli Ke Peeche kya hai tune… (Yea that’s the only song that can wake a kumbhakaran like me and make me leap out of my bed. Sorry to be so candid ladies, but GOD did biologically design us with an excessive level of Testosterone. So stop giving us adjectives like DOGs and PIGs)

p.s : (For the uninitiated, Dan Brown is the author of the book DA VINCI CODE which is a fictional story about Christ’s real story and it does mention that Leonardo Da Vinci was a Gay!! So no hard feelings towards anyone; and if someone indeed found this post offensive, they can kiss my A@# ;)!!

No Frills Approach !!

Looking at the successful completion of almost half a decade now by our first no frill player Air Deccan in India, I always used to ponder if this same concept will work correspondingly for all service industries. All consumers want the topmost levels of service at the least cost. The only way to reduce cost is to automate and reduce on manpower. But if there is no delivery of a particular service via human means, then how can you define it as a service? But then when I really gave it time and researched, I realized the concept of no-frills has always existed, especially in India since quite a long time now. The only hitch was, that it was never termed as No-Frills per se.

May it be modern private banks that emphasize on the use of ATMs, Internet Banking or Cheque Drop boxes vis a vis the traditional methods of retail banking; or may it be the Indian Railways that have now started the Garib Rath (Rajdhani level comfort at Paschim level cost) as well as introducing of e-tickets or kiosks; or may it be the traditionally existing Guest Houses or Youth Hostels that provide the bare minimum comforts of a shelter minus of a porter/room service/travel desk/etc; or may it be the booking of online tickets for an early morning show which does not have any attendants or food counter – just a plain simple movie; or may it be the booking of hotels online. The Indian airline sector has maybe just adapted to the No Frills phenomenon, but the concept is seen to be trying to creep into the Indian service sector since a long time now. One may call it automation or modernization, but the fast is it is a more convenient service offered to the cost conscious Indian consumer on a decorated platter.

As I am a graduate in Hospitality, I would like to comment on this topic from the Hotels Point of view. Come travel time and India's middle class faces a problem that's as typical as it is common: finding hotel accommodation that's safe, clean, comfortable, and most importantly, affordable. More often than not, they have to compromise on one parameter or the other. We have all heard of the Indian Hotels Company (Taj Group) have launched their FIRST No Frills Hotel – IndiOne. IndiOne is positioned to meet the need for what it terms 'smart basics' accommodation. Targeted at budget travellers and tourists, indiOne offers an innovative hospitality model where the emphasis is on delivering quality hotel rooms at low cost.

I think this concept will just rock in India, imagine middle income group professionals like us, low budget travelers, pilgrims, backpackers, all asking for affordability, hygiene and safety on the one hand, and informality, stylishness, warmth and modern amenities on the other. I mean just book a room on the net, go to the hotel lobby and swipe the same card in a vending machine that prints out your gate pass and electronic-key, just go the room carrying your own luggage, no porters, no reception, no room service, just plain simple ROOM’s. Where security issues like entry registers and identity is concerned, that can always be traced from the credit card details (name/address/age/gender). I do not know how many of you fancy this idea, but I think it will surely be a new way of automation of your SERVICE EXPECTATIONS taking the Indian service industry to new echelons of success at the same time providing consumers like you and me a completely satisfying product.

ANY INPUTS ON THE SAME OR ANY OTHER INDUSTRY?

The Great Indian Retail Story - Differentiation !!

Retail is one benchmark sector growing at a second fastest rate after the IT industry in the last couple of years. Retail is the new sunrise sector being recognized by Indian corporate bigwigs and entrepreneurs alike as the best investment to give promised returns on a much higher scale vis-à-vis the other conventional modes of investments. The Retail industry in India has been growing at a Compounded Average Growth rate of 46.64% in the last 3 years. It is slated to grow at a CAGR of 40% in the next few years. The astounding growth has attracted everyone from multibillionaire Giants like the Future Group, Mukesh Ambani Group, Bharti group and TATA’s to the medium size ventures like RPG’s Spencer, Aditya Birla Group or SPINACH group of hypermarts making them jump on the fast moving retail wagon. The Indian Retail industry is about 2% of the worlds organized retail market which is valued at around USD 25 Billion. Retail has an expected growth rate forecasted at a whopping 25% every year which makes it one of the most promising industries in the ever growing Indian economy. India is said to cross the USD 21.5 Billion mark by the year 2010.

This rapidly growing retail sector has made entrepreneurs pump in money make investments haphazardly without any proper planning or focused business outlook, this is forever true in terms of medium size retailers like Subhiksha who just rapidly expand in metro cities after setting up shop without realizing the potential demand or forecasted supply chain requirements specially in cities like Mumbai which have grown along the length and not on the sides. Unavailability of basic FMCG at Subhiksha stores last month in Mumbai shows the growing need for retailers to consolidate their expertise and grow with focused planning and implementation. The haphazard growth has cost retailers to skip many vital learning curves in the product life cycle of the retail sector costing them more than just opportunity cost of operations with valuable experience in running a retail operation in the unexpected and diverse consumer markets of India’s nook and corners. There are certain cities like Pune and Gurgaon which have more than 3-4 outlets in a given area of 5 square kilometers which has continuously increased the choice of shopping destinations for target customers not only from that area but also from nearby areas. With an increasing growth rate of the sector per se as well as increasing choice, there is a huge demand driving the reins of the retail sector these days – DIFFERENTIATION!! A need to differentiate has made the retailers to constantly find newer avenues for making themselves more visible to customers so that they stand out among the crowd and attract a sizeable amount of the potential targeted customers.

Keeping the above mentioned aspect in mind, my FIRST TOPIC is on researching LAYOUT STRATEGIES currently employed by retailers as a means of differentiation. When consumers have a humongous choice, the Layout Grids of a given Hyper Mart plays an important role in converting walk-in customers into impulse buyers, managing the customer traffic on busy days and thus increasing the profit potential per footfall of the store. A Layout Strategy would include everything right from product placement / display, planning of corridors and design of grids so as to provide maximum visibility for all nooks and corners of the store. Layout Design would play an important role in impulse buying decisions as well as traffic flow of a store (the flow should be in such a way that customers walking in should pass out of the exit after having seen all products displayed in the store).

Anticipating such significant importance of Layout Strategies for current and future retail developments, there is an urgent need (among other needs); to concentrate and apply a push towards existing LAYOUT STRATEGIES employed by retailers.

YOUR INPUTS PLEASE !!

(SOURCE: My MBA Final Year Dissertation Report: for those interested in a full copy of the Research, post your email IDs)

LoVe AcTuAlly - 2

It’s weird to see how people define love, as I am myself in a complete dilemma about this acronym called LOVE!! I happened to read a blog the other day which mentioned a boy doing certain things for a girl and the author asking whether this is true love?? The blog goes something like this:

“I have seen people around me who are in love. I just wanted to share small incidences which I had seen in these days. A boy and a girl fall in love with each other. One wonderful evening a girl praised a moon. And she said to boy I want this moon. A boy did not say anything just kept quiet. Next day he gave her surprised by putting Radium Stickers on the roof of the room which reflects light. She could find her smiling moon on her room’s roof. Isn’t it love? A girl was working late night since morning she did not eat anything. A boy came to know and 5 am in the winter morning he was in front of her office to take her home back. On the way he gave her some food keeping in mind that she did not eat properly. Isn’t it love? A boy was not serious about his studies but a girl saw a Physics book in his hand. Isn’t it love? One day she was hungry. In spite of his tiredness a boy went his home and cooked food for her. He is around her just to see her happiness. Isn’t it love?” – (excerpts from ‘Love is a wonderful feeling… Isn’t it?’ By Savita Munde)

In all it sounds like a very realistic phenomenon and I am sure the author has either gone through this herself or has seen one of her best friends or roommates or siblings going through this. It sounds like a genuinely true love story where two committed souls who are deeply in love with each other are doing things to express their so called LOVE to each other. With my own experience of this immortal and heavenly phenomenon, I somehow have a different angle towards this declaration pronounced as LOVE. Though I would agree all this would come under the super subset of love, I still think they are individual pretexts of a LOVE relationship in its initial stages of the PLC J

I have seen guys go beyond their usual routines to show there care, impress their better halves by things they never even thought they would do; but the only problem I have noticing this so called love occurrence is that it surprisingly follows a PLC (product life cycle).

When the LOVE is in the Introduction stage, both do a lot for each other; especially the guy who goes out of the way to do things to astound upon his dame with his feelings towards her. This is the phase where the guy actually does all the above mentioned things like going that extra mile for your girl and doing all the possible things in the world for her, getting her the most expensive gifts possible and so on and so forth.

Then the love goes on to the Growth stage where friends and parents are brought in loop and the golden couple gets married to live happily ever after. The probability of getting flower’s when they meet, the gulping down of anger when either of them is late, the likelihood of receiving surprise gifts, the possibility of a wide smile on either of their faces everytime they face each other, the odds of getting treated like a prince or princess – all seem to come down in terms of YoY growth rate J

Post marriage comes the Maturity stage where the couple is endowed with a greater responsibility of running a family; managing their house, upbringing of their children, managing the family expenses, etcetera etcetera. The probability of fights and arguments drastically goes up in this stage of the PLC. If the couple is in a joint family with the bride being a housewife, the sandwich situation of the bride between the mum-in-law and her husband immensely increases the odds of post marital distress. (Dear readers, show me one situation at this stage where the 35 yr old man will put radium stickers on the roof of his dames room, or picking her up in the wee hours of the morning – out of love and not out of routine, or cooking for her) Not that I am trying to suppress anybody’s notion towards love, I am merely putting forth my observations (prove me wrong with strong numbers, not with exceptional cases of 1 in a 100).

Now comes the worst part - the DECLINE stage. Here both the members of the ‘once so golden couple’ are now at the apex of their individual career lives. There is no time for each other than the usual greetings at breakfast and dinner – discussions about their child’s studies and career, discussions about pending EMIs and loans and investments, discussing about buying a new house, bla bla bla .. The only occasional tint of romance is when the children surprise their parents with a surprise celebration on their wedding anniversary.

So much said and done, there is a surprising stage at the end of the PLC. Once the parents are retired and sent in some distant flat or old age home by their children, the love seems to come back. This is the product Revival stage. Once the couple is post their 60’s and have past through all their material desires and when such desires seem unimportant in life, the love resurfaces. Both of them have enough time for each other, sitting hand in hand in the same garden where they once used to sit as a young couple. Remembering those times when the boy put radium stickers on her ceiling when she asked for the moon and the times when he occasionally tired his hand at cooking to impress her (but failed miserably). Cribbing about their children who don’t care about them anymore and are busy in their own material lives, walking down the memory lane of their age old love, confessing about times when they had a crush on their respective colleagues/secretaries/boss during the course of their career, and on and on.

However surprising it may sound, we all know this is the bitter fact of life. I may not be a self proclaimed love guru of sorts, but of all the stints that I have been through I have surely realized one thing, CHANGE is the only constant variable when it comes to the Equation of LOVE.

I would like to end my bhashan with a small tagline I read the other day on somebody’s Gtalk – TRUELOVE has 8 letters, so does BULLSHIT !!

GLoBaLisaTIon - My FOOT !!

6 days in maccha land (Chennai) and have already thrown 400 bucks in the traffic cops cap (yea yea, I have come to realize that Chennai traffic cops - like most of the other cops in India, stand with their arms wide open with their caps in their palms, forcing you to throw money into it everytime you get a non-TN vehicle in their city). We are bloody making tall claims of developing towards globalization and talking about a FLAT new world whereas our own gory country is divided into 28 sub continents (fraudulently called as states) which are further subdivided into 23795673920297449 million countries and sub countries which are ruled by their own respective Taliban-ishtyle mullas in their own bloody way !! We have to pay a luggage toll and excise duty to take one truck of good from one state border to another, we need to have separate number plates for every state and that particular vehicle can be freely driven only in that particular state and if you wish to take it out and cross the border of the state even for a day, u need a NON Objection Certificate from your respective state government. What kind of an anarchical pathetically stupid politically incompetent country are we living in? We talk about making India inclined at par with the global leading counter, while inside our own country we don’t have a standardized free flow system to avoid problems to the AAM AADMI. Making an NOC in itself is a tiresome process (in Maharashtra we have to make 4 rounds on 4 different days with one day allotted each week bribing 28336454546 khaki clad RTO idiots at every Point of Contact), apart from RTO they make you go to the CBI for a NOC from them (which means bribing another 2347474937 civil dressed idiotic government servants) before you get the final NOC from the RTO. This means if you are staying in sangli or miraj and jus feel like going on a drive towards the Karnataka border or if you are staying in nagpur and feel like going to indore for a vacation you need to go through this gruesome process of getting an NOC. That is a very lame attempt towards GLOBALISATION Mr Prime Minister when you cant even bridge your own damned states !!

I can understand having state specific number plates for better governing and convenience in terms of identifying a vehicle to its registration point, I can also understand transfer of registration from one state to another when a vehicle is sold off to another owner. But when I am carrying my RC book as well as my Insurance and my license along with me, why in gods name should I need another document just if I feel like going for a vacation in some other state using my car. This is utter dictatorship in the worlds largest democracy !!

Wake up you laggards, before you destroy this democracy using rules which should have been banned with the end of Aurangzebs regime.. Its time you re-write the constitution and every other SOP in terms of excise/RTO/vehicle movement/Health and Infrastructure policy to transform INDIA into its truly shining Status !!

LOVE ACTUALLY!!

Well the other day we all buddies were discussing about the difference between LOVE, Crush and infatuation!! Though we brainstormed on the topic for almost an hour coming up with our own stupid perceptions of the three concepts, it triggered my atom size brain into a series of fission reactions churning out my credence about this term called love!!

So what is love? I fail to understand the voracity of ideas that has conceptualized this stereotypical concept of love around us. Why is love synonymous with fidelity!! Why does love only mean being faithful to one person, being caring, getting married to that person, pump out kids and loving them and bringing them up in a perfect stereotypical environ which has to be a benchmark of a perfect couple !! Why is being adventurous after marriage such a taboo?? Getting attracted towards another colleague whom you can relate more than your wife, having a secret crush or a fantasy about your fiancés sister, feeling a sexual attraction towards your grown up daughter, imagining your favorite actress in place of your wife whilst making love ….. The list just goes on – but all just gets summated in one word TABOO!! And then you point out at the male hormone and say that all men are assholes of the worst order, completely insensitive and are born to cheat and sleep behind their partners back!! Why are mistresses looked upon as if they are some liability on this planet, why are their feelings inferior, outlawed and proscribed vis a vis a legal wife’s feelings for her husband !! Are they different in any biological or scientific way? Aren’t both beings as human have equal rights to feel and care for their love, crave for their partners physical presence. But society never accepts this fact!!

I remember the funny remark that we used to pass during singing our pledge in school everyday – All Indians are my Brothers and Sisters – except one. Even during those days of “we don’t need no education” and other radical philosophies burning in our minds, one thing was drilled straight down our heads by the society – that we have only one partner in our whole life – one wife, one spouse, one beau, only ONE!!

Why is the topic of sex such a taboo under all the religions and cultures around the world!! Why is being adventurous after marriage labeled as cheating and infidelity. Why are guys who have stronger harmonic urges who fulfill them are looked upon as dogs conceiving with any bitch they find on the road!! Why is it a sin to look at any other girl once you have a committed relationship; when since centuries nature itself in its abundance has left us to savage and devour its beauty and tranquility? Which other animal on this planet follow a one partner rule – in fact nature itself has imbibed on the concept of multiplication which we accurately term as the mating season which differs from animal to animal. Has the term social animal that has been denoted to humans, bound them to terms like infidelity? Renowned author Paulo Coelho also points out through his book The Zahir that the concept of one partner started being followed amongst tribes for the sake of FOOD. Until that time, it was perfectly natural for both the sexes who were both given equal importance to choose their own partners amongst the tribes, conceive children and then move on to other mates. Why is it then this tradition of one partner started centuries even before traces of the first religion were found, are being followed blindly even till date.

I admit that I am not driving my thoughts towards formation of a new society where anybody can just sleep with anyone of their choice; no I am not being so juvenile and illogical. But all I want is an answer as to why being in love with someone from the bottom of your heart, when you already have a committed partner in some other corner of the world, termed as CHEATING on your partner?? Is following your hearts voice a sin? Don’t we change our durables atleast once a year to keep up with the latest trends and technology; don’t we give up our old furniture and get in new furniture when they become outdated, so why can’t we just simply get bored with our respective partner? Ohh no, I think even mentioning the term bored is a sin in today’s world of humane societal values. Is dragging yourself with someone whom u despise from the bottom of your heart true humanity or is following your free will!!

I do agree that a world where just everyone starts ogling and running behind every other attractive person of the opposite sex sounds utterly chaotic, muddled, messy and disorganized. I am not writing to ask everyone to start adopting our ancestors tribal ways of living, all I am pointing out are disgorgement of archaic principles which are being simply followed for no rhyme or reason. All I am asking for is chucking out antiquated belief’s which are being driven erroneously on the concept of LOVE. Is this really love? I am sure this article would be heavily criticized by people who have always lived under the umbrella of these lackadaisical concepts, and I m equally sure that maximum readers would associate their own lives and relationships with the questions asked above.

Whichever the case, I cannot really conclude this topic with a firm finale. I am myself not sure what should be termed as RIGHT and what is WRONG, and moreover I am part of the same social system and hierarchy that I am commenting on. Though I would like to end this blog with a quote from a dear friend which I find very interesting – "love after love is possible and normal; lust after love is possible and normal" !!

We DonT NEeD nO EdUcAtIOn !!

Have been reading the banned Opal Mehta got kissed book since last 2 days and it really makes me wonder the kind of hysterical dread that parents stuff into young nubile minds. The need to succeedingly achieve competence is leading Indian parents to groom their Youngsters right since they are out of a mother’s womb; pushing their young ones towards continuously attaining echelons so that they design themselves into a perfecto sculpture of precision into this roller coaster rat race called LIFE.

Parents in a frenzy of making their children successful in life are now crossing unlimlitless boundaries. The kind of efforts put behind their children, if concentrated on their own professional lives – would definitely turn them into Mittals and Ambanis.

SO how does one define a successful life??

I say a victorious life for an Indian is made of 3 things – money, money, money?? And how does one attain money, the first answer by any Indian layman would be – become a Doctor or Engineer. Ask any Indian housewife what they would want their children to become, the answer would be a crystal clear IT professional who would fly off to the US of A and earn dollars or even better – get a green card.

So blind is the smoke screen filled with GREEN that youngsters like you and me have forgotten the actual need for education.

Education has become an alleyway to a glorious life filled with luxuries and GREENery , and no more a conduit towards enlightenment and being a better individual. Educational institutions are turned to mere placement agencies where the top grades are given to colleges that attract the highest placement offers and not to the ones that actually impart quality edification. Why do you think people try to bell the CAT for years and get into a prestigious IIM. Is it really the kind of quality education imparted? Or is it more for the underlined truth of SOciaL PrestiGe and secured placements. I seriously undermine the authenticity of poorly governed and government funded institutions like JBIMS where students actually crave for basic infrastructure. The fact that the institute gets top placements is only because the recruiters know that the top talent is screened and selected in these so called prestigious institutions during the admission / selection process.

How many students pursue microbiology for their pursuit towards decoding their biological fantasies? How many in India actually try and lead their life towards ones actual interests? Would Dhirubhai AMbani have ever allowed Anil to become a marine biologist if he had the fantasy for aquatic life? No parent in India would happily do that unless their child is a rebel and a self follower.

Indian education practices are narrowly bordered on all sides encompassing only empty vacuum in the form of streamlined, conventional, meaningless books and boring unattended lectures shaping into 3 yr bachelor course. It is high time the entire fraternity awakens to this incomprehensible nonsense and actually imparts QuaLitY EdUCaTIOn !!

Condom Mania

Have heard about condoms being ineffective, but today was the heights of all freak accidents ever!! Having met my gurl after 4 months, we were both eager to undress each other even before the bedroom door was locked.. I have been a durex loyal since my nascent stages of sexdom. But today due to Durex’s lack of market penetration led me buying a pack of KOHINOOR.

I entered the shop with a confident look. There was a maharashtrian auntie in shop talking about today’s YOUNG generation, so I hushed up the other assistant in the shop and asked him a pack of DUREX. He went behind the stacks of CERELAX and Bournvita, he looked from one drawer to another for a period which felt as long as eternity (I would have conceived and produced 10 kids in that period). He finally emerged from behind the hoard and whimpered like a puppy with my foot on his tail “sir, DUREX nahin hai, KamaSutra chalega?? Exasperated at his lack of confidentiality, I looked from one eye to the other, from the aunties to the shop owners who were giving me that sweet look. At my confident best, I asked him for a KamaSutra , this time the reply was faster , “Sir Kamasutra ka bada packet hai , 40 condoms wala” . I felt like telling him, that tho I mite be fanatical about catering culinary delicacies, but I m def not interested in making any condom curry!!

And so I came home with a shining new PINK Kohinoor packet, all ready to see my beloved in my arms. Quite frankly, I have always been condom-phobic and have never been able to use them as they r supposed to be used. First 15 mins were dedicared mot to foreplay, but surprisingly to wear that dirty fucking pink colored rubber. Till then, I was deadly sure about one thing, there is no condom as comfy as DUREX..

I finally stretched the darn thing enough so that I could wear it, and then turned to my priorities.

Tired of the same position every time, I decided to try something new that day, so I asked my lady love to turn for me.. and Jeepers Creepers.., within two minutes my p#$%^s was out and there was no condo on it… I tried searching on the bed and along its length, but no sir, couldn’t find even a single trace!! Then after searching for some time, like a lightning, the truth struck me…. The fucking rubber was stuck inside my damsel…. Who was now a damsel in distress – I could actually picture a scenario of a surgeon operating on my sweet lady to remove the damn thing out!!

Confused like a kid, I was totally perplexed regarding what to do? Then like a lightning, I jus threw out all my worries and dug my fingers inside and took the fucking rubber out … wallah !! It was finally out and safe ….

Moral of the STORY – never try twisting and turning while using a KOHINOOR condom !!

p.s – All the references preceded with a FUCKING Condom are deliberate derogatory remarks for the manufacturer of cheap , lower quality pink condoms !!

KANK

Karan Johar has decided to move out of his typical audience loving family blockbusters and explore the world of experimental topics not seen apt by many traditional Indian viewers!! He has not only tried his hand at the theme of infidelity or failed relationships – but has succeeded in bringing out the entire subject with such minute details (of emotions and events) that it takes me back to similar days of my past.

The story might have Bollywood snippets woven inside the comfy layover, but each and every emotion that the unhappy Dev and Maya go through are so well touched upon and taken care of that it’s worth throwing your hats off to Mr Gay Johar. Right from conventional instances of people with similar problems landing up talking to each other, till scenes where Dev buys a bouquet to gift his Mistress and bumps into his wife; the film spews reality bytes right from the start to the end. Though I agree with Nikhat Kazmi in his TOI review about KANK that the starting scene of meeting up on a bench does seem a bit filmy and overstretched from pragmatism, the rest of the movie is just an ideal example of real emotions exhibited with glamour and authenticity to utmost perfection.

It is the typical audience who are so used to watching adventurous love stories full of saga and romance that out of the way topics like OmKAra and KANK are just not appreciated up to there actual merit.

KANK is a must watch for all couples - married and unmarried alike, especially for those who have tasted the astringent tang of infidelity on either side of the stage!! It is an uptight rational voyage that keeps you glued on and relates yourself to the characters in such a delightful demeanor, that you hardly realize the unconventionally longer duration of the film.

A big applaud to Mr Johar for the spell bounded look that I saw on every face in the cinema hall when the lights came on during intermission!!

ColA FLaVouREd PesTIcIDE !!

I fail to understand the recent clamor over the pesticide issue concerning cola drinks?? Haven’t Indians of all other global citizens famous for their affection towards other alternative drinks like tea, buttermilk and fruit juices.

We being the novel generation have been hearing horror stories of toilets getting cleaned spick and span by using cola drinks and teeth melting overnight if kept in a cola solution; then why the racket now? Haven’t we as the privileged educated few known about the dreadful effects about consuming cola drinks? Ranging from high calories to obesity and from hyper tension to chronic diabetes, colas have always been a morally banned drink amongst parents all over. I don’t remember any kind of drinks other than Mangola and Energee being sold in my school canteen even 10 years back.

Why blame multinationals?? Being from a socialist and communist background, Indians – politicians and citizens alike have been biased towards Foreign Cos since the initial days of the opening of the economy. Why blame the multinationals when our own babus and government have forced them to put up manufacturing facilities in villages and rural areas to generate employment. Land which has been traditionally occupied under farming practices is obviously high in pesticide content!! Which company would love to add a pesticide in their recipe for a damned cold drink? But how much can they help if the ground water itself is full of unlimited pesticide content. After having known the capacity in which water would be seeped from the available resources for the required production in advance, the government at that time is more concerned over under the table bribes involved at different stages of setting up a manufacturing unit. And then when competition funded NGOs raise a voice, the government awakens and asks the companies to stop depleting the ground water resources.

How much does a Mumbaikar think before drinking the BMC supplied water without filtering or boiling? How much does a Delhitte think before eating a pani puri with water used from god knows where touched with hands put in god knows what? We all keep eating from roadside gaddis and gutter side stalls inspite of seeing flies hovering over these gutters kissing and spitting in our food!!

The entire panorama lands me towards only one conclusion – we all need a push to remove our frustrations on someone or the other from time to time!! Wasn’t the pesticide issue highlighted enough 3 years back, then why are we rousing now over the so called sin that is being committed by the cola companies?? Did the pesticide content just disappear after the media sidelines the issue??

So what is the moral of the story – always think the Vishal way!! Drink only from fountain-pepsi counters as they allegedly make their carbonated liquids using local water resources or add local water to reduce costs!!

KaChaNGgggggggggggg !!!!

ColA FLaVouREd PesTIcIDE - part 2 !!

SRK JusTIFiCaTiOn !!

Guess SRK thinks the vishal way too; he has argued that IndIA is a FILTHY country..... For once some1 of his cadre has commented something candidly and genuinely without any least hint of self interest. The air that we breathe in Mumbai is as harmfully equivalent to smoking 29 cigs in a day – beat THAT!! Everything from fruits to vegetables and all products based on ground water are equally bred and sold under the same pesticide MIX !! Swaminathan Aiyer has gone a step beyond and even compared MILK products to COLAS. As per the Maneka Gandhi comment about harmful contents in unskimmed milk, even having daily consumptions of milk based products can be equally perilous and fatal in long terms.

I really hate the way politicians dodge and twist and hedge such issues off their white collars as and how events turn, sometimes more spuriously then even a boxer in the ring. These self proclaimed socialistic heroes ride every event like a rodeo with utmost skill and precision. While kerala has already shown its wrath towards the capitalist US based MNC’s by banning colas, TN is soon to follow Kerala’s lead. This abysmally appalling behavior under the umbrella of so called socialistic goals is just another attempt to throw blames to RICH powerful foreign firms who are actually the only reason that India has even managed to forecast a 10% GDP growth.

The under informed and over spoken politicos should moreover concentrate on the ground realities of the issue of increasing pesticide content in ground water level which are being caused by hasty farmers over burdening the ecology with pesticidal residues in return for quick results. There should be steps taken to improve the soil topography in terms of artificial alien contents of all types.

Either choose to recover the ground water standards or choose to ignore and continue to live up with the reality bytes. The relieving fact is Darwin’s theory of evolution!! Human being is a continuously evolving species and if insects and pests can evolve and build a resistance towards pesticides and become immune towards such chemicals – why cant human beings?? I would rather suggest indulging into all such tagged poisonous liquids and in the long run become immune to even the most dreadful of chemicals in the WORLD !!

OBC Hullaboo

Empower them !!

I regret the pledge we used to sing proudly in school – reconciling our self with the fact that India is a secular , sovereign , socialist , democratic republic !! Or is it ??

Well I remember myself being down with cold one fine day, and my granny trying to fish out a decent doctor in the neighborhood (we were knew in d area) – I just remembered seeing a docs name around d corner and dragged my granny to that place – she pulled my hand back and said “that doctors name is KORE which means he is an SC/ST – so he has definitely got admission from quotas and may not even be worth prescribing medicines to a DOG!!

Oour politicians and dalit supporters claim that till INDIA INC and Higher Level educations starts embracing dalits and other backward classes – there would be no upliftment. Dear sir/s – the question is not about embracing dalits but about accepting these so called underprivileged who are brought up in a cradle of quotas cos every1 know they aren’t worth it !!

With such frail policies as quotas – u r downgrading them much more then they can grow in an atmosphere of empowerment. If our babus want more votes - make education free for everyone who is economically underprivileged and not religiously disadvantaged!! Give them free education, free hostel… free books.. But only to theose who deserve it !! We all have seen SC-ST students joining higher education on as low as 40% marks and then give up in a yr or 2 thus wasting that seat..

The recent OBC issue is worth dying for, hats off to the AIIMS students who had the guts to voice out!! And a middle finger to all those tardy politicians who decided to opt for silence during passing the OBC vote..

Ironically, OBCs are the most affluent of all the backward and underprivileged classes and I know most of them being on higher economic hedges then most of us – then y this outright mockery of the constitutional rights for all the open categories!! With so many reservations for every unheard category, a paltry 5-10% remains for the open classes.. so is a unforeseen revenge that has been bestowed upon the privileged many !! Lets all come together and fight for a quota even for an open category!! I guess that’s the only way out of this mayhem